Archive for the ‘ Shitty Movies ’ Category

I now officially announce Uwe Boll as “BETTER”!!!! No, it’s “WAY BETTER!!!”

I caught Resident Evil over the weekend, the one where it’s built in 3D from ground up and FINALLY features Chris Redfield after FOUR FREAKING PARTS WITHOUT THE ORIGINAL FUCKING HERO!!!! Btw Chris Redfield is played by the guy who had to battle with an old man for Mariah Carey’s affection in a crappy music video.

Oh yeah he was also the freaky tattooed guy in Prison Break

Anyway before going on to talking about this guy, I am going to review this movie…..DAMN STRAIGHT I AM GONNA REVIEW IT!!!

For starters,

RE:Afterlife is the 4th part of the Live Action Resident Evil movie, directed by Paul W.S Anderson, also know as the guy who’s banging Alice…I mean Milla Jovovich….who also happens to star as the protagonist of the series….whose character HAS NEVER APPEARED IN THE FUCKING GAMES BEFORE!!!

What makes this part supposedly “special” is that it was built in 3D from ground up, which means by theory, it will not be as crappy as any other movies which are marketed as a 3D gimmick where its shot in 2D and then converted to 3D….and the movies which usually end up as trash!

*ehem*....yes we are talking about you Shyamalan!

Also what makes this franchise “special” is that it’s considered an indie production…yes….it’s supposed to be on the level of Requiem for a Dream, Trainspotting and such…..please take note of my line “supposed to be”…and don’t take it to be literally equal to the other indie movie samples I have mentioned.

Sorry to disappoint you Juno fans...nope this ain't another Juno-esque review!

So now on to the review!

Afterlife starts off as a continuation from the previous part if you remember where Milla wakes up….hundreds of other Millas….cause probably it’s a fetish with this Anderson guy to have twincest with more than one Milla….but he decided to jack it up to 100s of twincest….

Can't blame him, she's hot...OH WAIT Wrong Milla!!!! Still HOT!

So the story starts in Japan where they show a cute Japanese girl suddenly becoming a zombie and eating up a helpless old Pedophile who was eyeballing her throughout the city in slow motion……and this had to be done to strike fear in us the next time we go to Japan looking for young school girls in the middle of friggin Shibuya!

Yeap....this sweet thing here is a potential zombie....GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER!!!

And then we are brought to Anderson’s fetish of multiple Millas shooting away and getting killed (without expression) in Umbrella corporation’s underground base until only one Milla survives……and stupidly falls for a trap that even a retarded midget could’ve figured a thousand miles away. So much for being “superhuman”….bimbo!

Mini Me could've destroyed Umbrella Corporation ALONE!!!

Anyway the story continues on after a jet crashes burns and our “humanized” heroin walks out of it alive….fucking Miracle I tell you! And then she goes on to travel by a nice looking plane which god knows how she found to Arkadia which is supposedly an uninfected zone where people are supposed to be running freely (and naked maybe) at the beach! But alas! we are only presented Ali Larter who isn’t in anyway exposed! FUCK!!!

THIS could've made the movie more tolerable!!

And then the two chicks who DO NOT MAKE OUT to the disappointment of all of us, fly in their pretty little airplane to the middle of the city where a group of people are somehow mysteriously still surviving on the top of a building….god knows how! There are many loopholes here that makes the original RE video games seem REALLY realistic!

So anyway, they find themselves a bunch of new friends in the form of a British accented chick who wanted make it big in hollywood but ends up with a shitty producer who is a shitty guy anyway, an asian zombie bait, a guy who speaks like Stallone and a token black guy who happens to be an NBA superstar…..and they HAD to make a point out of this by making him do a slamdunk on the plane that is about to fall on a big Woodstock-esque crowd of zombies who were then disappointed that a black guy ruined it all for them!

Kinda like how this guy ruined it for the Republicans

And from there we find out everyone is an asshat there, except for the cool black guy who happens to be so ultra cool and isn’t the first to die cause apparently Anderson knew that making the token black people pretty uncool and die first like in the previous movie so NOT COOL with the champion of Black People!

He's angry but still full of himself!

And then we are introduced to Chris Redfield, AFTER 4 MOTHERFUCKING PARTS, we are introduced to the original hero of the RE series….played by….a male model!

Supermarket trolleys have never looked so good!

Of course our Chris Redfield is no way the Original Chris Redfield we know….he’s just a lean boy who tries to sound like Snake Plissken who got dipped into a bag full of Lucky Charms!

Children, meet the original badass!

So they try to escape, and unexpectedly someone else dies instead of token black guy (WOW!!!) and then they get ambushed by what is a FUCKING GIANT AXEMAN (imported from the game) with a MASSIVE FUCKING AXE (crafted so well by a zombie strangely) who chopped the Asian Zombie bait with such ninja skills NO ONE FUCKING SAW HIM COMING!!!! The thing’s like 15 feet tall and is the size of a fucking Rolls Royce standing upright and NOBODY notices this fucking thing approach them and slicing the Asian Zombie Bait in half!!!! This is called fucking Ninja Skills!!!!

Or he could've picked it up from this guy

And then everyone else dies by the way except one slimebag who dies later anyway, in between though we are then treated to what we always expect, token black guy “dying”….cause well We just know it right? And then all that’s left is the Redfield siblings and Milla….of course! Cause it’s Milla the Movie, not Resident Evil in anyway! And then they go on to fight a couple of zombie dogs, save some old heroes, and then fight the badguy where Chris Redfield only gets a highlight of BEATING A FUCKING DEAD SNAKE action where he shoots the badguy who is already lying down in his own blood! Way to go Hero! Fuck you Anderson! And then we also shown how “intelligent” Alice is cause she rigged the helicopter the bad guy is gonna escape (WOW WE SO DID NOT SEE THIS COMING!) so it blows up!……So Alice while loosing her superhuman powers, has gained superhuman intelligence and superhuman speed to the point she can disarm a bomb, disassemble it, and assemble it back in a helicopter all in one swift motion that makes Edward Cullen look like a slowpoke!

Sorry Edward, Milla's just way too quicker than you can ever hope to be!

And everyone lives happily ever after…..NO…cause Anderson has blatantly put an intention of a FIFTH FUCKING SEQUEL where we are shown a few minutes of Jill Valentine looking hot and trying to look evil at the same time….END OF STORY!…oh wait it’s not END yet…there’s a sequel coming to kill our brains!!!

By the way we are thrown a twist, where….the token BLACK GUY SURVIVES!!!! OMFG!!!!

But he will never be as badass as this guy!

So…verdict, the movie sucks…it sucks way beyond Step Up in terms of story, plot and acting.

The story/plot is ridiculously crafted by Anderson who knows the shit he’s doing cause at least 3/4 of the world’s moron population seem to love the movie as witnessed by it’s Box Office performance. So Anderson, yes…congratulations…you know how to wade through a moron’s mind so well, I have to fucking salute you!

Heil Anderson! I mean Salute Anderson!

The acting is so bad….Milla clearly sucks at acting, and she only excels at looking stylish,hot or whatever you call it! She makes Sylvester Stallone look like Daniel Day Lewis!

But to be honest, I never had the balls to say he sucks....I think you get my point!

Ali Larter does a decent job (probably the most decent performer throughout the movie), she performs well, looks suitably badass when the need arises and DAMN she’s HOT!!! She has actually made Milla look…OUTDATED!

Milla who????

Wentworth Miller….I don’t mean to diss this guy, I think he has done a decent job in the tv series Prison Break and probably a decent job as a stone faced guy in the Mariah Carey’s MTV but he’s horrible here…..and I know he has a good body and all but he’s just not cut out to play Chris Redfield!

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Redfield, I'll get to the part where I have a suggestion WHO SHOULD PLAY HIM!

Other than that, everyone else here are sidelined cause like I said, it’s Milla the movie…not Resident Evil….period!

Now what’s really awesome in the movie is the soundtracks, really bitchin soundtracks….I enjoyed that more than the movie itself.

Next we move on to the 3D effects…..Pretty damn impressive yes, but for a movie that is built up from 3D, it did not surpass Step Up 3D sadly, they could’ve done more with the effects, it’s good, but not awe inspiring, I can’t believe a Dance movie made my jaw drop more than a movie where I expected more insane 3D effects….I mean the recipe was there, Zombies, BLOOD (gallons of it!), Guns, knives, horror elements….but it just did not stand out……it’s like giving all the awesome recipe of a great gourmet dinner to a retard to cook instead of Jamie Oliver.

Hand this guy one piece of bread, one piece of cheese and one set of bacon and he'll blow your mind....like McGyver used to

Overall ,the movie sucked, even the 3D effects isn’t gonna save it sadly. I highly recommend NOT to watch it, unless you are a moron who has no idea what the FUCK is Resident Evil about or you are just one of the retarded Michael Bay fans who can’t differentiate between a good movie, bad movie and a retarded movie.

Dear Michael Bay, Paul Anderson is now a threat to your throne of suckyness....please take action immediately!

And my advice to Hollywood and Capcom, simple! Assasinate Anderson, Milla too if you really want….we don’t need her…Ali Larter’s here to stay! And then reboot the RE franchise….and here’s my list of casts perfect for this movie :

Chris Redfield : Christian Bale….why? Cause he fits the profile and he’s fucking awesome….He can sound scary and badass and has the imposing look…I mean seriously, who would you prefer to offend face to face? Him or Wentworth Miller???? Exactly!

Imagine this, Chris Redfield in a Bat costume, Zombie Proof! He will only need to worry about Zombie Rottweilers though!

Claire Redfield : Retain Ali Larter, she’s decent enough and she’s hot….so hot we can forget Milla!

"Yum!" Says us and the zombies!

Jill Valentine : Recast Sienna Guillory, I have no problem with that, she looks fine enough!

Not Ali Larter HOT but good enough!

Leon Kennedy : You can either recast Wentworth Miller (with hair) or go for GOLD….Joseph Gordon Levitt! Why??? Cause he’s awesome! He can bring the needed characterization for Leon as Christian Bale can bring in the other side of the coin….

Badassery and Style never molded together so well!!!

And also rope in this guy to direct the movie :

Anyone who doesn't know this guy should be shot to death!

Next just eliminate Alice cause Alice is not needed and never existed in the Original Games anyway…..it’s just a stupid gimmick to make Milla the movie instead of Resident Evil and it sucks big time! You could just cast Tyler Durden in Resident Evil and it will be way better!!!

So badass Zombies get mindfucked daily!

So overall that’s all I gotta say, the movie sucks, part 5 is inevitable unless someone assassinates this guy and reboots the franchise with my suggested casting line!  Fuck I should be working at Hollywood….I am stuck at a shitty job where I have to be awesome almost all the time simply cause I am awesome…..FUCK!

Being Awesome sucks! Just ask this guy!

In fact, now I forgive Uwe Boll for all the trash he has been doing cause now there are so many asshats that are coming in who are way way way worse than he can ever be! And he finally looks better compared to the other bunch of simians that are popping up currently.

That's right Uwe, you ROCK and I LOVE YOU!

So Till Then,

Fuck Off

P.S For anyone who really does plan to assassinate whoever I mentioned above, I will not be held liable for that shit! You did it cause he sucks big time! Period!

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Which one came first?

THIS CAME FIRST

Blades of Glory

BEFORE THIS

Step Up 3D

Do not confuse your LED dress knowledge dipshits!

Till Then

Fuck Off

Dear Lord, I have found someone possibly worst than Channing Tatum

awww...look he's so happy!

That’s right! Over the weekend I checked out Step Up 3D because of the 3D hype it generated. Many reviews mentioned it was pretty magnificent and stuff (the 3D I meant, NOT the movie!) so I was curious. I mean in technical terms no movie has come near to Avatar in terms of 3D presentation although Avatar sucked ass in terms of storyline, it’s like a retarded Pocahontas on drugs.

I seeeeeeeeeeeeee uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

So i went to catch Step Up and see how awesome is the 3D effects.

Truth be told, I never expected a dance movie to fully embrace the 3D concept successfully and do it with style. All these time, I expected an action movie or a horror movie to show a spectacular 3D showcase, but nope, never expected a dance movie, especially not one that had Channing Tatum in it’s line of casts before…..

Yeap the same wooden guy in G.I.Joe!

The movie starts off trying to be pseudo epic with a very “intimate” video recording of some dancers explaining their passion in the art and such. It’s pretty hilarious that they take themselves too seriously at this point but HEY, it’s just the beginning, perhaps it *might* get better later right? right???

Then we are brought to one of the protagonists who looks like Michael Cera who is a whole foot shorter with a nose that’s a foot longer and a poor man’s Emma Watson. They are imported from the first movie by the way.

She's legal now, Pedobears around the world rejoice!

From there, to my delight, the story didn’t waste time dragging it but got straight to the point of showing us that the midget Michael Cera-esque kid had some sick dancing moves, easily the best among the entire cast (we’ll get to that!).

Once that’s done we are then introduced to the “Hero” of the story who looks like he is some product of an unholy fucking union between Ashton Kutcher and Ricky Martin.

The unholy union = Ultimate Male Gigolo

Of course all the hilariously bad parts start here onwards. Our “Hero” turns out to be some dude with a video camera who supposedly has some god like parkour skills, which is only shown twice in the movie with no full effect. All he does is parade around his Gigolo-ish self around because that’s what’s he’s probably paid to do and why he passed his audition….not cause he can dance, it’s cause he looks like the super perfect male gigolo.

From here we are then introduced to his “crew” of dancers who comprise of some weird red headed woman who makes Fergie look like a schoolgirl filled with acne, some dancers who are meant to be in the background, a pair of twins who keep dressing up like the Olsen twins, btw there’s also major references to the Olsen twins, but NOT by the twins though,a black Arnold, cause no SHIT he talks like Arnold….although I never noticed him dancing throughout the movie strangely….I guess Terminators aren’t built to bust a move yet….and lastly the coolest person in the entire movie….a guy who moves like a FUCKING robot….who also has NO FUCKING LINES in the movie, except for moving around like a FUCKING ROBOT….SO AWESOME!!!

Once the introduction’s done, we are then brought to the FEMALE lead of the show, yes in case you are too shallow to know, every DANCE movie MUST have a female lead, this is to avoid the male lead from looking like a GAY GIGOLO!!! Although it doesn’t change the fact here that the male lead still looks like the PERFECT GAY GIGOLO!!!!

Gorgeous Girl Next Door who can challenge you to a dance off....

Our Female lead is introduced in a very wide open dance floor (what a sucky club!) doing a suspiciously looking mix of ballet,street dancing and slut jamming in the dance floor along with her obviously lifted boobs cause all male audience in a dance movie MUST see the female lead’s breasts. This also ignores the fact that females who bust a move usually do not need humongous fucking boobs cause no offence big boobed ladies,we all love a healthy set of boobs but…..it just gets in the way honestly!  Right off we know that the male gigolo and this cute thing here will eventually make out somewhere along the lines cause…really…there’s no fucking chance of a dark twist where the girl eventually gets married to a 80 year old millionaire for “realistic” reasons will ever happen in a movie like this…because the audience for this movie are generally people with rather low intelligence level and IQs that rival those of a bison on crack so yes…do not expect anything twisty or intelligent here….Alright on to the story.

We are then brought to the plot where THIS BIG GROUP OF PEOPLE are living together and dancing ALL FUCKING DAY without doing anything else, and they MAKE ENDS MEET via a club downstairs where the dance floor was empty enough for push up boob chick to do slutty ballet moves on the floor without people purchasing anything….I have no clue on how that helps to MAKE ENDS MEET?

Now they have no money to pay up their debts for the past six months and they are risking foreclosure….WOW….you have enough people to form a fucking Ice Hockey team there but no one has money?!?!? Every one of them can take up any oddjobs and pay up 5% of their salaries or 100 bucks each and try to clear it up no???? but NOOOOO everyone wants to DANCE the whole FUCKING day but no one has money to fork out for the place where they live in cause THEY HAVE NO OTHER PLACE TO GO!!! Way to go America!!!

So their ultimate plan is to use midget Michael Cera guy as their WEAPON to win some dance competition which will win them 100 grand. Along the lines we also find out that the gigolo guy apparently is a filmmaker and push up boobs chick commits the greatest blasphemy a movie can make by christening him “Tarantino”!!!! Do the fucking screenwriters know who the FUCK is Tarantino….and how they should not taint his name this way!!! Dipshits!!!

OMG he's pissed!!! *shits in pants*

The story then shows us some TWIST which even my cat could’ve predicted where push up boobs chick is actually the bad guy’s sister…..OMG!!!! We predicted that even before the movie started! But of course morons in the cinema gasped like it was a major twist rivaling “I’m your father!” type of twist….gimme a break! Did I mention the badguy looks like a hilarious villain who takes himself so seriously even Hannibal Lecter might laugh himself to death! Did I mention he also looks like a potential hilarious villainous Hitler’s “perfect” aryan gay toyboy!

to your left, evil aryan, to your right, indifferent aryan

So then we go on to the story where things get shitty (predictably) , and things get awesome (predictably) and the good guys win…..duh…..what did you expect? Dark ending? The audience are not smart enough to embrace that!

So what’s awesome in this movie?

The dance choreography surpasses those of it’s predecessors. It showcases some of the most spectacular dance moves I’ve ever seen in a dance movie. Personally I think the most epic dance choreography comes late in the second battle under extreme wet conditions in Chinatown with the cliche of dozens of chinamen gambling away….very “intelligent” these filmmakers…they actually figured out the Chinese love to gamble…..*applaud*!!!! The midget Michael Cera-esque kid nails it here….

The second great dance scene comes from the street in an off topic plot where the midget Michael Cera kid nails it another time with the Poor Man’s Emma Watson in what I daresay a very cute choreographed dance scene, it was fun, possibly the best scene of the movie desite being utterly ridiculous (a stolen hate??? dude!!!). Surprise Surprise, poor man’s Emma Watson is a great dancer….and we know this only towards the end by the way!

The sound for the movie is pretty good, considering it has to rely on a good sounds to give us the extra ooomph factor during a dance scene. Although I was never a fan of what they call RnB these days, I have to admit the movie made some of these tunes foot tap-able and enjoyable, partially thanks to the superb choreography and the epic 3D effects….which are coming to next!

The 3D effects….gosh….I am amazed. Like I mentioned, I never expected a dance movie of all genres to bring us perfect 3D entertainment. I got pretty fed up with movies that marketed themselves as 3D and sucked at delivering just that. Step Up 3D delivered…..in terms of 3D….and I daresay it rivals the much superior Avatar in these terms….actually it rivals Avatar in terms of a sucky storyline too….The dance scenes became much more epic with the added 3D effects and this is the selling point of the movie. Anyone should watch it to experience this, a real 3D effect….which reminds me….I should be watching Milla in 3D soon too.

A.K.A Hotness in 3D

Now the movie sucked badly in terms of plot and acting. Nobody acted well there except for the midget Michael Cera who has a potential to be the next nerd hit when Michael Cera decides to leave acting and become a Nuclear Scientist or something…and also Chadd Smith who despite never spoke in the entire movie, had more expression as a robot guy than any other cast in the movie.

Left : Gigolo with zero expressions, Right: Robot with MORE expressions

The story was ridiculous, with loopholes that rival the number of bulletholes in Angel Alvarez anytime!

Sorry Bro! Someone beat you to the holes!

That being said the only “Actor” who will survive out of this should he decide to pursue acting will be the midget Michael Cera-esque kid as he has the Nerd thing going on with him. He was in the first movie anyway.

Imagine Michael Cera screaming "you got served!" at you!

And probably poor man’s Emma Watson may have a chance too. She was also in the first movie anyway.

Pedobears rejoice!

And this brings us to the “handsome” hero…..the person who I said is finally someone who is worst than Channing Tatum himself….zero acting skills, very good looks I have to admit, perfect Gigolo, I hope he will surpass Channing Tatum because I fucking hate Channing Tatum!

The only closest thing you'll get to an emotion in Step Up 3D

So my verdict : This movie sucks big time! It’s unbelievably horrible! The plot makes me crack up every 5 minutes cause it’s beyond stupid. Anyone who finds this movie watchable in that sense are proven idiots with no proof of intelligence living in them. That being said, the first two Step Ups were never good anyway….and also to give it the benefit of doubt, it’s not meant to be a movie with a proper storyline and proper acting….it’s a dance movie where we are just there to watch them dance. It doesn’t disappoint in terms of dancing, I call it superior to its predecessors and it knocks them off completely with the 3D effects….it totally surprised me that a movie of this genre will knock all other movies off in the 3D department and stand toe to toe with Avatar….in 3D and sucky that is. Anyone should just watch it for the experience but don’t expect something akin to Hurt Locker magnitude or Daniel Day Lewis acting…..cause you’ll be incredibly stupider than the usual run off the mill audience to expect that!

Probably what I would wish in future is something akin to Step Up 3D in terms of choreography and 3D effects….and something akin to Fight Club in terms of storyline and acting. But nothing I wished for ever came true 😦

Imagine the Twist! First rule of Step Up, we do not talk about Step Up! *nerdgasm!*

So well….I actually give this an awesome and shitty mark….go watch it….at least it’s better than any shit Megan Fox is in.

Yes Step Up 3D is better than this....anyone remember this???

So Till Then, enjoy your favorite shitty movies

Fuck Off

This movie makes Tekken look like an Oscar Winner A.K.A King Of Fighters Movie Review

Ok, I take back everything I said about Tekken and Uwe Boll. What I saw yesterday made Tekken look Oscar Worthy and Uwe Boll look like a fucking god!
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you….King Of Fighters the Movie.
From what I understand it’s a part Chinese/Canadian production which probably brought the worst of two countries packed up in one shitty as fuck movie.

No Chinese Awesomeness like this one in KOF the movie!

It contains something worst than "My Heart Will Go On"

Ok so here’s the fucked up premise of the movie.

Apparently everyone’s NORMAL like everybody else, which defeats the purpose of the movie in the first place. And they are enrolled in the King Of Fighters tournament like NORMAL people. And then when there’s a fight, which apparently can only have one opponent versus one opponent at a time (which was explained by the whore twins Vice and Mature), the “fighters” will get a call on their OH SO FUCKING ADVANCED bluetooth lookalike device which has a cheap hologram of KOF logo floating on it, they answer it and BOOOOOOM!!!!! they are transported to an alternate dimension where they are alternate versions of themselves (only different clothes mind you) and they fight……try to fucking digest this and then keep reading further cause your mind would’ve been pretty fucked up by the time you reach the line where I mention whore twins.

Which makes these Twins, A LOT more bearable!!!

Ok you back??? Got your bearings back? We continue on of course! Get fucking ready!

Now we go to the cast….you are so gonna love it.

First of we have the main character of KOF , no it’s NOT Kyo Kusanagi, it’s fucking Mai Shiranui!!! Yes….That’s how it’s gonna go!

My First Question : Where's the Tits?!?!?!

First of all, no disrespect to Maggie Q, I know she’s quite hot and all and we will all tap her ass irregardless of whether or not almost all the movies she appear in suck in epic proportions or not. But for Fuck sake, can they get a woman with TITS to play Mai?!?!?! I know a lot of fanboys who are gonna be upset with this shit cause we all love Mai for ONE THING!!!! YES THAT THING!!! It doesn’t make sense to put Mai in as a secret agent (YES A SECRET FUCKING AGENT) and cast a woman whose chest is probably flatter than mine as Fucking Mai Shiranui!!!! This is a disgrace!!! Worst of all, Mai in the movie is not the bubbly Mai from the game at all, she’s just a serious bad english speaking person!

NEXT UP!!!

If you are able to see any resemblance between these two, I will bestow you my fucking foreskin!!!!

Iori Yagami, the super powered beastly guy from KOF is casted as a faggot gentleman in the movie with a shady past. Yes IORI is a FUCKING GENTLEMAN….and his shady past??? He was possessed by Orochi and for a SHORT FUCKING TIME he showed his “beastly side” which was not anywere remotely as scary as my fucking cat in rage!

A LOT SCARIER!!!!

You know what’s the worst part….”Mr.Yagami” was dating Mai!!!!

Ouch Andy! Mai found a better faggot!

On to the next person…this will fucking make you cry!

Children here's where you learn the difference...LOST WHITE BOY to your left....and ASIAN to your right! capiche???

They casted a guy who looks like he dropped out of Twilight auditions to be Kyo….FUCKING KYO KUSANAGI!!!! The main character of King of Fighters gets a whitewash treatment from a guy that looks no less gayer than Jacob from Twilight!

Now on the brightside, if this guy decides to play Diva, Stephanie Meyers has another option to look into!

Kyo here is a clueless idiot, whose daddy is bedridden (a useless Saisyu Kusanagi btw) and has sexual tensions with Mai as well (way to go slut!). He’s practically useless right up the end where he summons a lightsaber like thing to kill the badguy (we’ll come to him soon). By the way take a look at Saisyu too while you are at it!

*speechless*

Saisyu’s pretty much a dead log in the entire movie until he hears the name “Iori Yagami” then he flies into a frenzy…then dies….yeap…pointless casting there. They could’ve casted a log that goes into frenzy!

Oh wait a minute!

Next up we have another cast that will make you….wince in pain I guess.

Yes you get Terry Bogard with short hair and CIA like Intelligence (none in this case)

Terry Bogard is a CIA operative (yes I almost died laughing but the asshole next to me in the cinema kept ssshhhh-ing me!) and he has the intelligence equivalent to Pete Doherty on drugs!

Stupid Everyday!

He also fights like a wimp getting beaten the shit out of him by the whore twins (we will come to that soon enough) and he’s made to be so “pure” american, you know, the stereotypical character who is American and stupid. I don’t get it, I am not a big fan of stereotyping people but why do people love to picture an American as an idiot???

On second thoughts...forget I even asked.

Best of all, Terry Bogard manages to crack a password on a HIGHLY SECURE FUCKING LAPTOP by sending a mysterious text message to someone!!! WHY???? CAUSE HE’s FUCKING CIA!!!

Or he probably sent the text to this guy! Who Knows!

Next up…we go to Shizuru!

A sluttier Shizuru with saggy breasts! No Shit!

We are introduced to Shizuru in the beggining who was wearing a shitty slutty dress with what I can say is an unbelievable set of saggy boobs that rivals even Ms.Chokesondick!

They could've just hired her, but too bad she died!

So Shizuru is the caretaker of some shitty relics which the bad guy wants and spends 3/4 of the movie getting injured badly, being near death and finally dying. She’s practically pointless in the movie. They could’ve just hired a log and planted boobs on it and casted it in the movie!

Shizuru and Saisyu...what a pair!

Now we move on to the whore twins. The reason I call them whore twins is cause they were introduced in the very beginning trying to get their lesbian asses some hot lesbian ass….which almost led us to the ONLY good scene in the movie IF IT EVER HAPPENED, which could’ve been HOT FUCKING LESBIAN SEX!!!!! But NOOOOOOOOOOO they had to be called off to a fight and got hypnotised and became EVIL WHORE TWINS instead!

Whore Twin 1....

Whore Twin 2

What we almost got!

The Whore twins…who bear NO FUCKING RESEMBLANCE to the original Whores of KOF spent most of the movie hypnotised and being EVIL WHORE TWINS beating the shit out the likes of Terry Bogard and getting their ass beaten from a really skinny and flat chested Mai Shiranui! Other than that, they are practically useless except for appearing abso-fucking-lutely WHORISH! They could’ve just made a porn out of Twin Whores and we could’ve been happier!

Yay!

And now we come to Rugal….the “BADGUY”!!!

Rugal is played by a guy who’s probably half his size. Ray Park. To be honest I love Ray Park, I love him as Darth Maul and I love him as Snake Eyes but this shitty movie has also successfully portrayed him as MEGA SHIT!

He plays a guy who's twice his size and he has an annoying accent.

Worst of all he has Kyo Kusanagi’s powers in the movie and speaks with a shitty accent. Here’s a point, Ray Park is awesome when he DOESN’T FUCKING TALK!!!!

Exhibit A: Darth Maul doesn't talk, manages to Kill FUCKING QUI GON JIN!!! Awesome Factor : 10 out of FUCKING 10!

Exhibit B : Snake Eyes DOESN'T TALK!!! But he is the only fucking reason G.I. Joe was watchable....Awesomeness Level : 11 out of fucking 10!!!!

That’s all I am gonna say about Ray and Rugal……it pains me to criticize Ray Park but I have to 😦

And Next we go to Orochi….the EVIL THING in King Of Fighters.

Orochi in the ORIGINAL King of Fighters is basically an insane evil guy (keep this word in mind : GUY!!!)

The Face of Evil! Try calling him gay just once in his face!

Of course what we get in the movie is a bunch of snakes that look like they are mating each other. Yes SNAKES FUCKING!

Something like this...I am not supposed to post porn!

And lastly, a small appearance of Ryo Sakazaki, who gets his asskicked by Mai.

again kids....LOST WHITE BOY....ASIAN....capiche???

Ryo….the lead in Art of Fighting, gets a shit treatment in the movie by being casted with another Twilight reject and gets his ass handed to him by skinny boobless Mai right in the beginning of the movie. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! You know what producers, FUCK YOU!!!!

And that’s it…we are treated to shit for an hour and a half with a movie that has a ridiculous plot even if it’s done without any King Of Fighters Characters. With the KOF characters, it has gone beyond stupid, insane and whatever I can think of.

The movie itself looks cheap, sound is horrible, special effects are horrible, the camera angles, fight scenes are all SHIT!

And I guess I know how SNK feels about it.

Poor SNK!

To me it looks like a stupid mentally retarded fanboy decided to write an uber retarded fanfiction and decided to make a movie out of it just because he had the funding. I am a little surprised though cause the director, Gordon Chan is known to make some really great movies like Beast Cops and Fist of Legend, but ends up doing shit like this. Someone would’ve had a gun in his head I guess….no idea about that. But to the producers who did this shit, firstly you could’ve waited until you got better funding to do this movie, meanwhile you could’ve released at least decent movies about retarded people who are awesome.

Oh wait...that's done already!

And most importantly, get a person who’s NOT STUPID AND/OR RETARDED to write your shit. Seriously a regular housecat could’ve written a better screenplay than the retards who wrote this shit!

Word has it that Quentin stole Inglorious Basterds from this poor thing!

You are ruining a great franchise and I hope SNK STAYS THE FUCKING AWAY from this piece of shit that actually makes Tekken look way better.

Basically to all douchebags that spoil video game franchises, someday you’ll pay for your sins. Someday you’ll find yourself face to face with a massive video game villain come to life just to kill you motherfuckers!

He's gonna FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!

I hope you all FUCKING DIE!!!!

Till Then

Fuck Off!!!!

Some Pictures are sourced from HellForge

For once in my life I appreciate Uwe Boll a.k.a Shitty Tekken Movie Review

First off I know a lot of dipshits do not know who Uwe Boll is, and well it’s not your fault, dude ain’t exactly famous or big at all, at least in the world outside. But truth is, he is a pretty big name when it comes to screwing up Video Game Movies to the point if you always keep asking “how does this guy get funding after a string of disasters anyway?”…..well it’s a million dollar question that still remain unanswered.

Maybe cause he's such a looker!

But anyway let’s leave poor Uwe out and talk about what I really wanted to talk about today. Tekken, the movie…based on the hit Video Games series. Now I am quite a large fan of Tekken, having played every single part of them and I am a self confessed Hwoarang fan too.

So last night I went to watch this newly released Tekken movie after failing to get any proper reviews about it despite it being released in Japan much earlier as I heard. Of course I should take this as an omen that the Japanese probably found it so bad they decided not to review it or just decided to be evil and let us suffer this movie as well as much as they did.

Or they probably missed out the movie completely with such awesome cosplays

Now back to Tekken. I am not sure where exactly to begin but let’s just begin and the beginning of the movie. It’s bad, period. It shows some post-apocalyptic style future with a horrible voiceover by a girl who sounds like she was trying to hold her crap in her long enough to finish the prologue before rushing to the nearest toilet or flower pot available. Then we are shown Jin Kazama running away from….I am not sure what….as nothing’s made clear here anyway, so he’s just running like a lunatic.

On your left : Girly Boy - On your right : The REAL(erm kinda real) Jin Kazama!

The real problem with this guy isn’t the part where he looks like he got lost from some Asian boyband audition or something, it’s his fluctuating accent. I swear to you I heard his accent change like probably 56 times in the movie. He actually made Russell Crowe’s accent problem in that garbage Robin Hood movie look less retarded.

He covered all accents in this movie except for Asian accents....maybe in the sequel I hope.

So Jin then meets his mum, Jun and they have a good moment and a bad moment together within a split second cause the objective here is to know that he had a mum, that’s all. Then mum dies, Jin gets angry and vows to kill Heihachi Mischima cause he saw some shitty poster of him hidden in his house which he has never noticed all these years living there….what an unadventurous kid. So he enrolls in Tekken by beating Marshall Law which was probably the shittiest portrayal of a video game character by any living being in the fucking planet. Even my cat would’ve portrayed Marshall Law a lot more accurately for cryin out loud!!!

Even a visually impaired person could identify the only similarity between these two here...no prize for guessing.....

So Marshall Law is only there for a disgraceful 5 minutes and then we are brought back to the story of Jin whose accent keeps changing as often as Steve Jobs regarding you as a moron who can’t use his “made for retard” products.

Pictured : A "tortured" genius

Now we are introduced to Steve Fox. Everybody who has played this game knows that Steve Fox is an awesome british boxer who is actually the test tube baby of Nina Williams (Oh!!!! We’ll get to Nina soon enough…patience). Here, the only thing that identifies Steve Fox, is the british accent…only!

Steve Fox everybody!....and Luke Goss NOT being Steve Fox.

I have no idea what’s the problem here. Luke Goss was able to have nice silky hair when he played “Legolas’ worst nightmare” from Hellboy II but he can’t have at least a decent amount of hair here to at least portray Steve Fox properly. Worst of all he plays more of a Don King here rather than being Steve Fox himself.

I fucking bet Akira Toriyama ripped off the Saiyan look from Don King...I fucking Swear it!

Then are introduced to the Tekken tournament, the “fighters” there, and the father and son assholes, Heihachi and Kazuya.

Hilarious depiction of Heihachi with what I swear is a gay Kazuya!

And here’s the list of “fighters”…..

Sad to say the most accurate depiction of Eddie Gordo only lasted a glorious 5 minutes before he got beaten to pulp by a Wesley Snipes wannabe

This is also a sad realization that the Westley Snipes wannabe is actually an accurate depiction of the Wesley Snipes wannabe Raven from the game.

Seriously....that's Miguel? Are you fucking with me???

Dragonov, you probably won't notice him in the movie cause his appeared is SO FUCKING SHORT!

Oh you so gotta hear about this.....keep reading

Despite looking almost like the Pedo next door, this is quite an accurate Bryan Fury

I love Nina from Tekken, and while this is close enough, what pisses me off is that Nina is pictured more of a whore than an assassin here.

Marian Zapico (so cool name) was ok as Anna, but you can only manage to see like 4 minutes of Anna sadly...

To be honest, they could've made the movie with just Yoshimitsu, he never spoke a line, was perfect and there's no fucking chance he could've ruined movie unlike Jin the "identity crisis" boy.

I could not get any picture of the Jacks in Tekken but let’s just say, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!

The Jacks in the movie look like a bunch of sissies in armor compared to this :

Oops...wrong Jack...but on second thoughts...he would've been way better!

What pisses me off is that they left out Hwoarang , Lei Wu Long, Ling Xiao Yu and King/Armor King but come to think of it, they actually saved the prides of those characters, but there’s no guarantee as the the movie hints cheaply at a sequel anyway.

Nina and Anna Williams are both pictured as whores who would be giving 24/7 blowjobs to gay Kazuya and then go and try to kill people Kazuya orders to…and also fail at it badly….seriously???? And from what I noticed only Nina Williams spoke any lines there, Anna was there……I wasn’t exactly sure what she was doing anyway, she did not even fight in the tournament! But you know what, it’s probably some guy’s fantasy right? Whore Assasins….heck that makes a good movie title….and I bet it’s better than Ninja Assasin!

Yeap Whore Assasins would trump Ninja Assasin like a gazillion times over!

Speaking of which I was also worried that if they decide to cast Hwoarang in the next movie (if one ever came to be), they had to find an “athletic built” looking Korean dude to portray him…..guess who?

Korean guy, "built", starred in an action movie...hmm I wonder who????

And our dear Christie Monteiro doesn’t even do capoeira at all here but totally excels in dirty dancing….like WTF?!?!?! Here’s the worst part, the girl portraying her….has the facial expressions akin to Megan Fox….which is not a good thing IMHO….she looks excited when there’s trouble, she still looks excited when there’s good news…I mean…Who’s side are you on woman?!?!?! Why do you look excited all the fucking time??? Is someone fingering you from below are did you go to Megan Fox Acting Academy???

Honestly nobody would've noticed the fucking difference!

Let’s get to the other aspects of the movie.

The sound effects were normal, below par if you asked me. I’ve seen Sesame Street episodes with a lot more awesome sound effects than this movie.

No Shit!

The film quality is almost as bad that it makes grainy porno videos look almost too professional.

I said GRAINY not GRANNY!!!!

Now even if you were not familiar with the game itself, the movie still looks horrible in all senses. Ridiculous storyline, bad acting, bad quality to the point it made me appreciate Uwe Boll for once in my life. And this probably answers why Prince of Persia is still the best video game movie out there, despite being sucky by itself, it’s still way better than any of these trash coming out.

Chesty Jake's pretty happy about it too

But it’s no surprise considering the director of this movie was last seen making a shitty sequel to an already shitty Anaconda movie. Hence , it’s totally not surprising itself anyway.

Anaconda!!!!

But here’s my advice, go watch it, go suffer through it, laugh your guts out cause I did just that cause you finally realise Uwe Boll ain’t bad at all once you see this. And Milla Jovovich can breath a sigh of relief too that the whole Resident Evil series can never suck anywhere near the Tekken crap movie.

awww look at Milla, all happy and that!

So till then

Fuck Off

P.S Just go watch it, it will be fun 🙂

Shitty Movie Review : Eclipse

I got this cool habit, I love to watch movies.

I will not call myself a movie buff or anything like that, but I believe I got a fairly good taste in movies for that matter.

But of course I also have this bad habit in me, I love to watch shitty movies at times, and then proceed to bitch about them….couple of reasons being :

1) I criticize something after knowing about it, in this case probably watching at least half of the movie before slamming it

2) I enjoy calling others morons….this is a great chance for me 🙂

Now on with the review….my own personal review about a shitty movie called Eclipse, from the Twilight Saga, the third part (I think) after New Moon…

All he needed was some laser shit eyes, blasting straight to her face, and this movie will be Epic!

Now I think many are familiar with this movie, some would say it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, and the other smaller population of intelligent people…well….they just avoid the movie altogether.

As the movie starts, we seem to notice cheap attempts to make the movie edgy in the form of a guy being brutally slashed in the palm by some unseen force…yes slashed in the palm and he screams like his world was ending….but you know what, I just let it pass, it is a movie full of sissies after all, and the guy’s screams were more manlier than whatever that came after that though….

From there we are treated to the usual torture of Bella and Edward talking the same shit they have been talking about for the past 2 movies, only this time with the occasional but a bit too often proposals from Edward…seriously, it’s so many times I actually thought Bella was a deaf character or a mentally retarded character who can’t understand a thing Edward says and Sweet Little Edward patiently just keeps repeating for her….unfortunately my cheap attempts at being optimistic about the movie did not work out.

We are then brought to the next complication in the “Saga”….Jacob. For those who don’t know Jacob is a dude who transforms into what is supposed to be a werewolf….honestly I thought those were just overgrown Chow Chows until my close friend told me they were werewolves….and then it made sense to me, I mean why would Chow Chows have a war with Vampires right?

So we are brought to the complication where Bella is somehow “attracted” to Jacob as well, we know this cause Jacob apparently knows it as well…it’s a dog thing…I mean wolf thing. And of course situations escalate as Edward gets jealous off and on cause Bella goes off hanging out with Jacob in front of Edward….I mean if I had a girlfriend who knew there’s a guy in love with her and still hangs out with him, I am just gonna dump the bitch and find myself a Taylor Momson lookalike (Taylor Momson herself would be great too….) and be happy about it….Besides if I was a vampire, I would just kill Bella, reanimate her, make her my slave and taunt that jackass Jacob with that….I mean I am a vampire, I can do those shit right??? right??? Or do I just sparkle in the sun and not be able to do any Bram Stoker-ish stuff??? Who the Fuck knows?!?!?! And while all this shit happens, Bella also throws in some not so subtle “Fuck me Please” actions to Edward who freaks the shit out, claiming it is dangerous and they should be married first. I just think he can’t erect as technically he’s dead so there’s no blood flow and thus how is his weener gonna erect without proper bloodflow anyway?

Oh yes back to the story, so shit has gone deep and some redheaded vampire called Victoria is still pissed off at Bella/Edward and she wants Bella’s head….like literally! So that’s part of the story and the Cullen family gets involved in trying to save Bella and so does the Chow Chow pack…I mean werewolf pack joining in the “Save Bella from RedHeaded confusion between a cat and a vampire thingy”….but seriously I think Alice Cullen is totally hot. Also an intentional pun was included during an exchange between Jacob and Edward when Jacob says he is “hotter” than Edward….I am speechless in this case.

So everybody goes down smacking each other, battle is fought somebody wins, somebody loses, someone dies and Bella and Edward are gonna live happily ever after…NOT! Yeah there’s still another part in the “Saga”…and as I heard, the next part of the “Saga” will be split into two…so that they can make more money from the morons who were clapping their hands in the cinema like they saw the greatest shit since Michael Jackson’s Moonwalk on Live Stage.

Anyways here’s the shitty part of the movie :

1) The whole cast sucked balls from the beginning to the end. I am not saying the whole frigging cast can’t act but the problem was while they may have some talents there, the story is too focused on the three main wooden actors who make Keanu Reeves look like an uber artsy thespian. Thus we barely noticed the damn cast at the background at all!

2) Waste of Talents. Dakota Fanning was in the movie…and I actually thought it was someone else that looks like Dakota Fanning but with lesser talent….NOPE…It was god damn Dakota Fanning. What was she doing? She floated around, looked almost like T-100 from Terminator, tilted her head a bit and someone screams in agony….yeap…they could’ve casted my cat for that role….but well they had the budget for Dakota Fanning anyway. Next talent wasted, Anna Kendrick, if you watched Up In The Air, you’ll understand why. Anna Kendrick is probably the most liveliest person in the movie, and possibly the whole “Saga”…but she’s wasted cause she only appears for like 5 minutes to give us some hope of a good movie, then disappears along with my diminishing hopes for a quality movie. Bryce Dallas Howard is wasted too…she’s hot and talented but nothing of that appeared here sadly. Ashley Green is wasted here too…I think she’s the hottest living thing  in the entire god damn “Saga” and they should focus on Alice Cullen’s face more than “I smoked too much pot” Bella.

3) The story is completely ridiculous. Now before anyone jumping to defense that this is a “Fantasy” movie or whatsoever shit you morons can come up with….keep in mind…I am actually comparing this with another series from the same “Fantasy” genre….Pokemon! Yes….I think this “Saga” is a lot more ridiculous than Pokemon itself….all you Pokemon fans better start loving me for this. Sparkling Vampires, Overgrown Chow Chows, Girl who just wants to get laid….nuff said. The vampires  have red colored eyes which people in the story do not seem to notice…probably everyone in the universe are mentally retarded anyway…so I’ll never know

4) Special effects…The special effects are shit. They are shit cause most of the time we are made to focus on the three main retards of the story. The werewolves looked like chow chows at most, not the scary things we grew up to fucking fear. The backgrounds look totally fake and the battles were shitty…again…Pokemon looks a lot more real!

The Good (surprising)

1) Music. I have to admit this series seem to have some cool tunes in their soundtracks.

2) Alice Cullen. She’s Hot!

3) Greatest comedy movie for 2010. While a number of movies has tickled my funny bones this year, nothing will ever make me laugh as hysterically as Twilight can ever do. With this I proudly will give an “Angry Nerd” Award to Twilight for the greatest comedy movie of 2010. Take note that “New Moon” was the funniest movie of 2009 for me too.

And this concludes my review for Eclipse.

I am not saying you should not watch this, but if you have extra cash to burn and/or looking for an extremely funny movie, you should give it a go. But if you don’t find it funny after watching it, it’s not my fault you lack some sense of humor…you are just too stupid that’s all…and probably a fan of the “Saga”….

Till Then,

Fuck Off!

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