Archive for the ‘ Awesome Movies ’ Category

Nut Gain ++

I was busy this week and was working at some oil town implementing systems when I got this wonderful news…well it’s a good and bad news….There’s a sequel to Final Fantasy XIII called….Final Fantasy XIII-2….duh!

It’s bad cause well the game wasn’t really a big hit with many people but at the same time it was good in some sense.

The good? Lightning…she’s back…OMG…hotter than ever….I am in love!

Dear Lightning, if you were real, I would be your greatest stalker you've ever known....Love, Postal Nerd!

Yeap….I have no way to calculate the amount of affection I have for Lightning eventhough she’s not real….LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Alright let’s leave my boner for a virtual girl out of the door and discuss something really important…nuts!

*ehem*

Over the weekend before leaving for my dreaded Oil Town job, I caught a new flick starring the Tooth Fairy…I mean the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! It’s called Faster!…yeap strange name for a movie but you know what, despite that, I am so glad the movie worked out fine for me.

I mean first and foremost, I knew The Rock since his WWE days when he used to do that weird eyebrow thing and left me feeling all mixed up for no reason.

I bet Adam Lambert can't do this shit

Then of course he went into movies where he made his appearance as some crappy Scorpion King and all, where the only thing worth watching in those movies were either Kelly Hu’s funbags or this guy’s abs….depends on which party you are.

Welcome to the party!

Of course those weren’t so bad, I mean I wouldn’t bitch about the chance of unlimited views of Kelly Hu’s cleavages and all…but then things went downhill for this guy.

He started starring in roles that even my cats thought were too pussy for them!

Pussy!

It came to a point I just looked at this guy as a faggot with muscles…I wonder if he was ever able to hit me for real!

Those days were long gone btw

So I basically wrote off this guy, forgot about him and started focusing on other possible talents….and then I realized there aren’t many talents out there these days…

Pictured : "Talent"

And then to my surprise he(The Rock…not Bieber) appeared for a shortwhile in The Other Guys…awesome shit movie..and a short lived badassery by The Rock!

I felt there’s hope after all for this masculine testosterone dripping man to make his name and me to look at him with pride that there ARE MEN AFTER ALL!!

But of course these are also MEN in my books!

And then finally….he appears in Faster….Forget testosterone…..he was one giant walking set of NARDS…..!

He perpetually looks like this in the movie, like Kratos in the whole friggin God Of War series

Here’s my review

Faster is a straightforward action movie, very old school flavored movie, literally not much nonsense..,..

The plot :

Dude comes out of jail and goes on a crazy shooting spree in the name of revenge cause some shit happened to him and his brother years ago….he’s angry….like all the time….Also..they got Moon Bloodgood!

Ladies, being hot alone isn't enough, you will also need a badass name from now on! Gay names like Scarlett won't cut it no more!

So the movie is simple, there’s no complicated storylines…not that I am sayin complicated storylines are bad….Inception is an example of a movie that will fuck your mind and still be awesome…but you see, that’s cause they have a talented guy handling it. Most UNtalented shitfucks try to make some epic shit which turns out to be shit anyway, cause they are just plain shit!

*ehem**ehem*...oh hai there shitfuck!

So the base of it is yes he’s angry, he drives a classic muscle car around with a revolver the size of an autobot’s dick! He goes around, look at his target, does not stop to speak bullshit like “oooo u are a bad guy, I am gonna kill you, wah wah” and does not have any stupid punch lines that’s supposed to double up as a pun….

If this guy ain't the king of Puns...what is ?

And then along the way you find out there’s a cop, his hot wife or girlfriend or whatever she is…she is hot anyway…and then a pretty boy assassin and his err…..hot wife…a bunch of bad guys….actually everyone’s bad here….and then guns….knives….the whole 9 yards!

The rock’s script is probably only a page long or less since I don’t really hear this guy talk much….he speaks like a couple of words and then shoots the shit out of people….kind of like how the ideal Sylvester Stallone is….

Not that I am saying he should shut up, but I just don't understand a thing he says!

By the way, the three main characters in this movie has no name, so we refer to them as Driver,Cop and Killer.

So the Driver is well..the driver…an angry looking Rock with the gun the size of an Autobot’s dick like I mentioned earlier, with a script of less than a page.

He probably even ate up the script in his rage

And then we have the cop, who may be familiar to some people here, but some dipshits won’t even recognize this stud!

Hint : He got THERE way before Brad Pitt did!

And then we have Killer….who looks eerily alike to Chesty Jake (pre Taylor Swift era)

He was the prettiest in the movie by the way

So we start with Driver going around killing people, and then Killer getting a mysterious call as a contract to kill Driver before he kills everyone else and Cop working out the case with some MILF!

Daaayyyyyummmn!!!!

Of course we get some side stories to quickly explain and introduce everyone to us.

Cop has some problems like drugs and also an illogically hot wife…although we do know what a stud that guy was in real life!

In case you people didn't get the hint earlier

And then we have Driver who is perpetually pissed all the time.

I see the resemblance now

And then probably the most hilarious part is when we are introduced to Killer…who so happens to be Mark Zuckerberg + Chesty Jake + Sam Fisher all in one.

Mother's Recipe for a perfect Assassin....

Killer also obsesses over Driver….cause Driver is so Pure and everything…to the point it looks almost like Gay obsession….then again I can’t blame him…he’s so pretty…prettier than his wife to be…and he sees a guy with arms the size of tree barks….

Killer's wife....who despite being hot, isn't as pretty as Killer

And then the story well goes on from there…and a twist appears too…not too bad for a straightforward movie, it throws you away with a twist which is well placed.

The sound in the movie is pretty awesome, especially when Driver’s revolver starts making noise….holy shit!

The music is pretty old styled, giving the movie a 70s feel to it…I like it personally.

The performances, well it’s a straight out action movie…you don’t need Daniel Day Lewis here but the cast here performed extremely well to their credit.

Kudos to Oliver Jackson-Cohen for almost stealing the show as a Mentally unstable Pretty and talented assassin with some OCD problems and all…he was hilarious…we needed that in a movie where the protagonist is angry all the time!

Billy Bob Thornton is just good, he doesn’t need to inject anything more, the dude’s a natural, he knows how to look shitty when the time requires him to, and knows how to look his role when the time needs him to.

And the other cast were equally good too, no complaints about them.

And finally Mr.Rock….impressive, eventhough he only had one impression on his face the whole time. His presence definitely had an impact, he’s large, he’s angry and he has a gun that’s bigger than your thighs….that’s scary….at times after looking at him, you realize being in a room with pazuzu ain’t that bad actually.

If u think this is scary, wait till you end up in a room with an Angry Dwayne Johnson!

The greatest thing about this movie though is the action sequence, which are NOT done in CG AT ALL!!!!! Which makes it so fucking authentic and badass….unlike some full CGI action movie we’ve seen lately!

Recipe for crap : Shitty CGI and Shia Labeouf

So I give it a high rating, go fucking watch it unless you are disgusted by violence and men being real men! Then you faggots should continue watching your Bieber concerts and Twilight Marathons!

Britney sez it all!

So till then

Fuck Off

 

Anchorman’s spiritual successor is here! a.k.a The Other Guys review

I caught The Other Guys over the weekend and damn I was impressed! Fuckin loved it.

For all you shallow dimwits who enjoy “comedy” shit like “You again” , you are obviously below the intelligence level required to read this, so you can close your browser and go kill yourself cause you don’t deserve to be alive.

And I find her really annoying I don't know why

Ok for those who are interested in finding good movies, The Other Guys stars Will Ferrel and Marky Mark….I mean Mark Wahlberg…and is a buddy cop movie….HOWEVER it is NOT A STUPID BUDDY COP MOVIE like that piece of shit called Cop Out!

Why John Mcclane!??!?! WHY!?!?!?!?

The Other Guys feature some of the most intelligent humor I seem to notice that are lacking in so many movies these days. Probably because the new generation of entertainment goers have the IQ level of a duck on crack!

The Other Guys is also directed and co-written by Adam Mckay who has also collaborated with Will Ferrel three other previous productions Talladega Nights, Step Brothers and the god like Anchorman! So it should kinda give you a god damn clue on how awesome this movie has the potential to be. And it does not fucking disappoint!

The posterboy of disappointment

The movie starts out with a BANG…and I fucking mean it…it’s a BIG FUCKING BANG! We are introduced to SuperCop pair Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (in possibly his greatest movie decision of his career so far) and Samuel “motherfuckin” L. Jackson as they chase some criminals downtown, be totally fucking awesome, cause some awesome explosion and walk out of it, inexplicably alive….why? Cause they were supposed to be SO AWESOME they can’t be scratched! And hell they were so COOL!!!!!

Motherfuckin badass!

Hence, they are so awesome that every other cop fuckin aspires to be them, and this includes our two protagonists, brilliantly played by Will Ferrel and Mark! Will plays a bizzare deskjob by the books guy and Mark plays a hot headed cop who’s stuck with Will. Sounds so run off the mill right? But no it’s NOT! Its insane as fuck!

The new faces of insanity!

We are also introduced to other characters comprising of random douchebags, random idiots and Batman as the Captain of the department…..Michael Keaton to be exact.

He was the best Batman until the sore throat guy came along!

What makes this movie brilliant is it’s dash of random humor which are not just random but smart as well. The “aim for the bushes” part is totally insane and unexpected. And I will never look at the Prius the same again!

A hero's vagina! also an orgy mobile!

To make it short, the original badass heroes somehow meet their demise because of some non-existent bush and the other guys actually step in to fill in the shoes. And the story goes from there. The movie is so brilliant it also features what is possibly the most silent violent scene since the days of silent movies themselves!

This..in color!

Also we are introduced to Will’s uber hot wife, Eva “OMG MY EYES ARE MELTING” Mendes! Wow Eva Mendes, you have improved so so far. I was impressed with her performance. The last good movie I know she appeared in was Bad Lieutenant with Nicholas Cage!

OMG Look at those curves! Damn you Will Ferrel!!! Mark agrees with me too!

And hell I was impressed….for once I wasn’t lookin at her assets but her superior performance. She even sang the damn soundtrack “Pimps don’t cry”. Way go go Eva! You proof to be FAR hotter and far more talented than the likes of Megan Fox and co!

eeeeew!

What’s hilarious is how Mark tries to hit on her and not believing she’s Will’s wife….LAWL!!!!!

Of course the running humor here is how Will attracts really hot women for no reason and Mark’s disturbed by it. And also the other running humor are the unbelievable skills Mark knows simply cause he learns them to make fun of queer kids….ballet for example.

And probably the greatest running humor there is Michael Keaton’s TLC lyric fixation, which he always denies knowing anything about. The only thing that can EVER top this off is if Christian Bale starts rambling lyrics off Fresh Prince’s songs!

I'll tell you how i became the Knight of a town called Gotham!

Also Will Ferrel has a dark side…pimp side to be exact!

Pimpin Yo!

I am not gonna spoil it further but I am gonna say this is truly Anchorman’s spiritual successor, it’s as good as Anchorman if not better! And it also features some interesting cameos like Brooke Shields, Tracy Morgan and Derek Jeter, the most important cameo that is!

Adam Mckay has done an awesome job with Will Ferrel to bring what we hungered for….another Anchorman that is.

Mark Wahlberg! Damn I am surprised, I know he can do great serious roles, action roles and well not so insane comedy roles but this has surpassed all his other performances.

Michael Keaton was awesome, been a long time since I seen him being awesome, and I wish to see him be this awesome more often next time!

Eva Mendes….impressive. I have never found myself being impressed at her performance cause I usually focus more on her…..erm…assets…but this time, I really didn’t notice those things cause she was so fucking good.

God's second greatest perfection after Charlize Theron!

The rest of the cast were good, and despite being in the movie for like less than 10 minutes, The Rock and Samuel Jackson were simply awesome….and I hope Dwayne Johnson starts doing awesome shit like these instead of appearing as queer characters in like…ALMOST ALL HIS FUCKING MOVIES OF LATE.

tell me, which part of this isn't queer to u?

And I also wish more awesome comedy movies like this come instead of shitty comedy movies like ….. any shit Katherine Heigl appears in!

Yes we get it, u r hot, independant,powerful whatever woman and the guy you are with is hopeless...you have been conveying that for the past 200 movies you are in! Boring!

However this movie will never surpass the greatest Rom-Com ever made in history! Twilight Saga!

Just get too excited Twitards...I Was being Sarcastic!

So till then

Fuck Off

Which one came first?

THIS CAME FIRST

Blades of Glory

BEFORE THIS

Step Up 3D

Do not confuse your LED dress knowledge dipshits!

Till Then

Fuck Off

Dear Lord, I have found someone possibly worst than Channing Tatum

awww...look he's so happy!

That’s right! Over the weekend I checked out Step Up 3D because of the 3D hype it generated. Many reviews mentioned it was pretty magnificent and stuff (the 3D I meant, NOT the movie!) so I was curious. I mean in technical terms no movie has come near to Avatar in terms of 3D presentation although Avatar sucked ass in terms of storyline, it’s like a retarded Pocahontas on drugs.

I seeeeeeeeeeeeee uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

So i went to catch Step Up and see how awesome is the 3D effects.

Truth be told, I never expected a dance movie to fully embrace the 3D concept successfully and do it with style. All these time, I expected an action movie or a horror movie to show a spectacular 3D showcase, but nope, never expected a dance movie, especially not one that had Channing Tatum in it’s line of casts before…..

Yeap the same wooden guy in G.I.Joe!

The movie starts off trying to be pseudo epic with a very “intimate” video recording of some dancers explaining their passion in the art and such. It’s pretty hilarious that they take themselves too seriously at this point but HEY, it’s just the beginning, perhaps it *might* get better later right? right???

Then we are brought to one of the protagonists who looks like Michael Cera who is a whole foot shorter with a nose that’s a foot longer and a poor man’s Emma Watson. They are imported from the first movie by the way.

She's legal now, Pedobears around the world rejoice!

From there, to my delight, the story didn’t waste time dragging it but got straight to the point of showing us that the midget Michael Cera-esque kid had some sick dancing moves, easily the best among the entire cast (we’ll get to that!).

Once that’s done we are then introduced to the “Hero” of the story who looks like he is some product of an unholy fucking union between Ashton Kutcher and Ricky Martin.

The unholy union = Ultimate Male Gigolo

Of course all the hilariously bad parts start here onwards. Our “Hero” turns out to be some dude with a video camera who supposedly has some god like parkour skills, which is only shown twice in the movie with no full effect. All he does is parade around his Gigolo-ish self around because that’s what’s he’s probably paid to do and why he passed his audition….not cause he can dance, it’s cause he looks like the super perfect male gigolo.

From here we are then introduced to his “crew” of dancers who comprise of some weird red headed woman who makes Fergie look like a schoolgirl filled with acne, some dancers who are meant to be in the background, a pair of twins who keep dressing up like the Olsen twins, btw there’s also major references to the Olsen twins, but NOT by the twins though,a black Arnold, cause no SHIT he talks like Arnold….although I never noticed him dancing throughout the movie strangely….I guess Terminators aren’t built to bust a move yet….and lastly the coolest person in the entire movie….a guy who moves like a FUCKING robot….who also has NO FUCKING LINES in the movie, except for moving around like a FUCKING ROBOT….SO AWESOME!!!

Once the introduction’s done, we are then brought to the FEMALE lead of the show, yes in case you are too shallow to know, every DANCE movie MUST have a female lead, this is to avoid the male lead from looking like a GAY GIGOLO!!! Although it doesn’t change the fact here that the male lead still looks like the PERFECT GAY GIGOLO!!!!

Gorgeous Girl Next Door who can challenge you to a dance off....

Our Female lead is introduced in a very wide open dance floor (what a sucky club!) doing a suspiciously looking mix of ballet,street dancing and slut jamming in the dance floor along with her obviously lifted boobs cause all male audience in a dance movie MUST see the female lead’s breasts. This also ignores the fact that females who bust a move usually do not need humongous fucking boobs cause no offence big boobed ladies,we all love a healthy set of boobs but…..it just gets in the way honestly!  Right off we know that the male gigolo and this cute thing here will eventually make out somewhere along the lines cause…really…there’s no fucking chance of a dark twist where the girl eventually gets married to a 80 year old millionaire for “realistic” reasons will ever happen in a movie like this…because the audience for this movie are generally people with rather low intelligence level and IQs that rival those of a bison on crack so yes…do not expect anything twisty or intelligent here….Alright on to the story.

We are then brought to the plot where THIS BIG GROUP OF PEOPLE are living together and dancing ALL FUCKING DAY without doing anything else, and they MAKE ENDS MEET via a club downstairs where the dance floor was empty enough for push up boob chick to do slutty ballet moves on the floor without people purchasing anything….I have no clue on how that helps to MAKE ENDS MEET?

Now they have no money to pay up their debts for the past six months and they are risking foreclosure….WOW….you have enough people to form a fucking Ice Hockey team there but no one has money?!?!? Every one of them can take up any oddjobs and pay up 5% of their salaries or 100 bucks each and try to clear it up no???? but NOOOOO everyone wants to DANCE the whole FUCKING day but no one has money to fork out for the place where they live in cause THEY HAVE NO OTHER PLACE TO GO!!! Way to go America!!!

So their ultimate plan is to use midget Michael Cera guy as their WEAPON to win some dance competition which will win them 100 grand. Along the lines we also find out that the gigolo guy apparently is a filmmaker and push up boobs chick commits the greatest blasphemy a movie can make by christening him “Tarantino”!!!! Do the fucking screenwriters know who the FUCK is Tarantino….and how they should not taint his name this way!!! Dipshits!!!

OMG he's pissed!!! *shits in pants*

The story then shows us some TWIST which even my cat could’ve predicted where push up boobs chick is actually the bad guy’s sister…..OMG!!!! We predicted that even before the movie started! But of course morons in the cinema gasped like it was a major twist rivaling “I’m your father!” type of twist….gimme a break! Did I mention the badguy looks like a hilarious villain who takes himself so seriously even Hannibal Lecter might laugh himself to death! Did I mention he also looks like a potential hilarious villainous Hitler’s “perfect” aryan gay toyboy!

to your left, evil aryan, to your right, indifferent aryan

So then we go on to the story where things get shitty (predictably) , and things get awesome (predictably) and the good guys win…..duh…..what did you expect? Dark ending? The audience are not smart enough to embrace that!

So what’s awesome in this movie?

The dance choreography surpasses those of it’s predecessors. It showcases some of the most spectacular dance moves I’ve ever seen in a dance movie. Personally I think the most epic dance choreography comes late in the second battle under extreme wet conditions in Chinatown with the cliche of dozens of chinamen gambling away….very “intelligent” these filmmakers…they actually figured out the Chinese love to gamble…..*applaud*!!!! The midget Michael Cera-esque kid nails it here….

The second great dance scene comes from the street in an off topic plot where the midget Michael Cera kid nails it another time with the Poor Man’s Emma Watson in what I daresay a very cute choreographed dance scene, it was fun, possibly the best scene of the movie desite being utterly ridiculous (a stolen hate??? dude!!!). Surprise Surprise, poor man’s Emma Watson is a great dancer….and we know this only towards the end by the way!

The sound for the movie is pretty good, considering it has to rely on a good sounds to give us the extra ooomph factor during a dance scene. Although I was never a fan of what they call RnB these days, I have to admit the movie made some of these tunes foot tap-able and enjoyable, partially thanks to the superb choreography and the epic 3D effects….which are coming to next!

The 3D effects….gosh….I am amazed. Like I mentioned, I never expected a dance movie of all genres to bring us perfect 3D entertainment. I got pretty fed up with movies that marketed themselves as 3D and sucked at delivering just that. Step Up 3D delivered…..in terms of 3D….and I daresay it rivals the much superior Avatar in these terms….actually it rivals Avatar in terms of a sucky storyline too….The dance scenes became much more epic with the added 3D effects and this is the selling point of the movie. Anyone should watch it to experience this, a real 3D effect….which reminds me….I should be watching Milla in 3D soon too.

A.K.A Hotness in 3D

Now the movie sucked badly in terms of plot and acting. Nobody acted well there except for the midget Michael Cera who has a potential to be the next nerd hit when Michael Cera decides to leave acting and become a Nuclear Scientist or something…and also Chadd Smith who despite never spoke in the entire movie, had more expression as a robot guy than any other cast in the movie.

Left : Gigolo with zero expressions, Right: Robot with MORE expressions

The story was ridiculous, with loopholes that rival the number of bulletholes in Angel Alvarez anytime!

Sorry Bro! Someone beat you to the holes!

That being said the only “Actor” who will survive out of this should he decide to pursue acting will be the midget Michael Cera-esque kid as he has the Nerd thing going on with him. He was in the first movie anyway.

Imagine Michael Cera screaming "you got served!" at you!

And probably poor man’s Emma Watson may have a chance too. She was also in the first movie anyway.

Pedobears rejoice!

And this brings us to the “handsome” hero…..the person who I said is finally someone who is worst than Channing Tatum himself….zero acting skills, very good looks I have to admit, perfect Gigolo, I hope he will surpass Channing Tatum because I fucking hate Channing Tatum!

The only closest thing you'll get to an emotion in Step Up 3D

So my verdict : This movie sucks big time! It’s unbelievably horrible! The plot makes me crack up every 5 minutes cause it’s beyond stupid. Anyone who finds this movie watchable in that sense are proven idiots with no proof of intelligence living in them. That being said, the first two Step Ups were never good anyway….and also to give it the benefit of doubt, it’s not meant to be a movie with a proper storyline and proper acting….it’s a dance movie where we are just there to watch them dance. It doesn’t disappoint in terms of dancing, I call it superior to its predecessors and it knocks them off completely with the 3D effects….it totally surprised me that a movie of this genre will knock all other movies off in the 3D department and stand toe to toe with Avatar….in 3D and sucky that is. Anyone should just watch it for the experience but don’t expect something akin to Hurt Locker magnitude or Daniel Day Lewis acting…..cause you’ll be incredibly stupider than the usual run off the mill audience to expect that!

Probably what I would wish in future is something akin to Step Up 3D in terms of choreography and 3D effects….and something akin to Fight Club in terms of storyline and acting. But nothing I wished for ever came true 😦

Imagine the Twist! First rule of Step Up, we do not talk about Step Up! *nerdgasm!*

So well….I actually give this an awesome and shitty mark….go watch it….at least it’s better than any shit Megan Fox is in.

Yes Step Up 3D is better than this....anyone remember this???

So Till Then, enjoy your favorite shitty movies

Fuck Off

Finally, after a long time, a movie for Men By Men!

Take a guess! Come On! Take a guess!

If you guessed this, I'll take a flight down to your place and bitchslap you!

It’s Fucking Expendables!…..and it’s sooooo bad asss!!!!

And here’s my short review of it.

For anyone who do not know of The Expendables, you seriously need to get out more instead of sitting home and rejoicing in your sissy ass lives!

Especially when you take like 2 hours to groom yourself like this one here.

The Expendables , FYI, is an action movie that comprises of action movie stars of yesterday and today in one movie. Directed by Sylvester Stallone (those who do now know this name should just leave now), it is pretty badass.

The unofficial poster to give you a clue, and sadly Danny Trejo isn't in the official movie 🙂

The plot revolves around a group of mercenaries comprising of 5 really huge guys and one small Asian dude going and killing some pirates as hired guns. From here you kinda get the introduction of each character in an extremely brief manner and you also can guess that Stallone’s character is the leader here. By the way he is called “Barney” here.

Exactly!

From there we learn one of them from the team is a nutjob, one of them is an emotional wreck (badass emotional wreck mind you), one of them is superfast but so small you barely notice him there, one is a black dude who loves his errr…..bullet and straight razor and one who has…..strange ears.

Then we are brought to the bad guys. They are in an island with a small population, controlling some sortta business there, we do not know what business and they are just plain evil. Very fast to the point as you noticed, that’s how the movie goes.

One look and you know they are the villains....straight forward indeed!

Which then brings us to the greatest cameo ever in any action movie. Three of the biggest action stars from the older days, for the first fucking time in history, share screen time together.

Terminator, Rambo and John Mcclane walked into a bar.......

And that alone made this movie pretty epic by itself. So John Mcclane has a mission and the mission was to be bid by Rambo and Termintor a.k.a Governator in one single epic scene which ends up in the Governator giving off the mission to Rambo and both of them having a near gay argument, which was still fucking epic. Of course it was never anywhere near making out proportions of course.

Make out NOW!!!!

Then the Expendable guys end up going on a mission to kill the bad guys and rescue the damsel in distress.

Hotter and Stronger than Bella!

Then the real action starts, insane bloodspill, explosives, awesome fight sequences (I mean you got Jason Statham and Jet Li…..it better be awesome!) and epic-ness indeed.

But let’s get a little more serious :

Honestly the storyline is cliched beyond anything. It’s a typical old school action movie where storyline matters less and action matters a lot more. So they did not waste time on the story or any details of the characters but went straight to business, which is beating the shit out of people, beheading people with anything that comes in their hands and being ultra cool whenever possible. Hey works for me! That being said, it still has way better storyline than most movies out there now.

*ehem*

The performance of all of them were fantastic, that is in the action sequences. As we know the actors here are mostly known for….not being good at acting at all. Probably the best actor in the whole movie will be Mickey Rourke followed by Terry Crews.

Pictured: NOT a thespian...but simply Ultra KOOL!!! Hope he doesn't hunt me down.....

The action in the movie is pretty mind blowing. It’s been a long time since we saw an old school action movie, but of course with some addition of CG effects like the blood and all. But I mean if it’s convenient go ahead, it doesn’t look too bad on screen either. And it did not rely on too much on CG effect anyway. And whatever CG effect at least did not give the cheap feeling to us.

Cheap CG effect - Check. Too much of CG - Check. Shitty Movie - Double Check!

The best part is the movie doesn’t treat us like morons. It just gets straight to the point, let’s you have some fun, laugh a lot and just….enjoy it. Straight forward and simple entertainment ladies and gentlemen!

And now for the review on the crew

Jacob's worst nightmare!

Sylvester Stallone : Well it’s the same guy we saw in Rambo….where we don’t understand a thing he says, but we like it when he grabs and gun and shoots people or beats people to death. He does his job well, and hell he’s directing the movie well too. And he definitely doesn’t look like a 60 year old with that body….to be honest, I am not gonna piss this guy off when I see him….he looks like he can behead me…oh wait I think he did that in the movie too.

Yes...he throws knives...BEWARE!

Jason Statham : IMHO, Jason Statham performed best in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. Everything else after that was crappy. But he redeems himself in this movie in terms of acting and his action sequences were pretty good too. Although it’s hilarious to look at him as an emotional wreck cause well…he really can’t emote well. But I got no problems when he starts springing into action.

Pictured : Little Asian guy who kicks your ass a thousand times over.

Jet Li : Jet Li performs really well here to the point he’s hilarious at some points of the movie when he points out the problems with his size (he’s obviously the smallest in the movie). I really liked his performance back then in he movie “Unleashed”/”Danny the Dog” (same movie btw), and rarely does he give out a good performance except for solid action scenes. Here he gives both, solid acting, solid action.

If this guy's not a cyborg, I don't know what is....

Dolph Lundgren : He sounds more like a Terminator than the original Governator does! And apparently this guy has a degree in Chemical Engineering in real life. So he can kick your ass while doing complex chemical mathematics in his head just for kicks! His appearance is sadly quite short in the movie and his cyborg-ish attitude kinda freaks me out if I were ever to see another large Scandinavian man heading my way the next time.

The badass of the "Roberts" family!

Eric Roberts : Portrays the classic 80’s style villain. Cliched bad guy basically but he’s good, not bad at all, but not Hans Gruber level villainy of course!

No one will be as great as Hans Gruber!

I dare you to make fun of his ears to his face!

Randy Couture : Erm…..bad ass guy with personality problems and has an issue with his ears, but trust me….don’t make fun of his ears….you should see the moves he pulled off in the movie…..

If you don't know this guy, you are not a guy at all

Steve Austin : It’s better watching him acting here than doing shitty WWE scripts. Besides like, Stallone mentions in the movie, he got his ass whooped by Stone Cold here. That counts as something right? 😉

Beneath that clean shave look, there's a bad bad guy there!

Gary Daniels : The last time I saw him was in Tekken, and he was easily the best actor there. Sadly his appearance here is short but ok…although he got his ass kicked by small asian dude….and Statham.

I think he's pretty damn cool!

Terry Crews : He’s easily the best actor in this movie besides Mickey Rourke. I’ve seen him in some movies and at times he’s really able to convey some emotions and manages to tickle my funny bones at times. Not bad for a big burly guy who’s not as stiff as the other big burly men there. At the very last part, Stallone asks him to hurl a live war head, hinting at his NFL talents I presume! 😛

Mickey Rourke...sans the shitty Russian accent.

Mickey Rourke : What can I say? He’s awesome. Despite his short appearance, he easily outperformed everyone else in the movie. At least he redeemed himself from that shitty Iron Man 2 movie.

Another Shitty Comic Movie.

If every girl in that Island was like this, I would've enlisted in Stallone's team too.

Gisselle Itie : I think she’s pretty good. And hell she’s hot! Nuff said!

There are other cast too like Charisma Carpenter who was there only for a couple of minutes as Statham’s girlfriend, David Zayas as idiotic island leader and so on.

Overall not a bad movie. Go watch it for the fun of it. Go watch it to live back the nostalgia of old school action movies. Go watch it for awesome violence, action and cliched stuff that makes you laugh and enjoy it to the fullest. It beats a lot of shitty movies out there, and it doesn’t treat us like some morons, it just shows us the necessary and let’s us have the option to enjoy it or not.

This treated us like retards

Most importantly it does not treat us to the sissy faggot movie syndrome.

Exhibit A : The Answer to "Why so many faggots these days?"

So go enjoy it, as a man, as it’s built for men by men. If you are disturbed by violence, disgusted by blood, and only like Twilight….then go cut off your dick!

And get yourself a nice dress while you're at it!

So till then,

Fuck Off

Predators….

I caught another movie over the weekend, something better than gay vampires and overgrown chow chows being victimized by a fickle minded bitch who looks like she smoked one too many pot for a day.

Predators take place 13 years in the future from the original timeline which had the Governator in it.  According to what I saw in some sources, Nimrod Antal(the director) stated this would be a closer sequel to the first and second movie but would stay further away from the AvP series….thank god they did that….AvP to me was as lame as Twilight if not lamer to be honest.

What’s more welcoming is that the movie is not marketed as a 3D gimmicky shit. That earns my respect considering almost every movie, shitty or non shitty has been charging into the cinemas under a pretentious 3D package and that totally made me sick. To make things worst, some of the 3D movies never made any impact and some sucked on an epic level (I’m lookin at you Last Airbender!), and Predators did not bend to that peer pressure of trying to be 3D-fied to fit into the market.

Adrien Brody as Badass Guy, Alice Braga as someone really hot with a gun.

The story starts off with Royce(Adrien Brody) falling off the sky or something towards a jungle. To make things worst he was sortta unconscious until halfway through the fall and he realized he was…..falling of course. Upon landing by some dumb luck he bumps into quite a few characters, a Mexican Drug Cartel Villain (played by a really freaky Danny Trejo), then meets a Russian Soldier with one big fucking gun, an IDF sniper in the form of a hottie (why they got a Brazilian to play an Israeli is beyond me…then again they got Van Damme to play Guile anyway)…, a Revolutionary United Front Soldier, a Death Row inmate was like just 2 days away from his sentence, a yakuza dude who never spoke for at least 3/4 of the movie, and lastly a wimpy American doctor.

Despite some of the characters behaving in a rather clichéd manner throughout the movie, the characters do show some sense of variety as opposed to being simply monotonous and single minded. You get the point that most of them there are professional douchebags and somehow feel at times sorry for the doctor dude and sometimes questioning as to what the fuck’s the guy doing there? He’s among an elite group of killers whereas he’s just a dude with a scalpel….Yes…he was carrying a scalpel in his pocket.

Ok back to the story, so they bump into some really freaky looking pets and things start to go downhill from there…for them I mean, for us the movie still stays pretty satisfying thus far. Later on they eventually bump into a captured “Classic” Predator and more shit happens. The flow of the story is not too bad so far, nothing too messy, it doesn’t stay too dull either, tends to keep you engaged too without loosing it’s relevance to the storyline.  There’s a particular scene where a direct reference to the original Predator movie was made as well as a not so subtle reference to the character “Dutch” from the first movie, while his name was not mentioned, anyone worth their salt can figure it out. If you can’t and proceed to bitch about it, then go watch Twilight and make it easier for all of us.

Oh Hai!

Up to this, they lost like a couple of guys and bump into Morpheus (yes he’s here), who’s kind of insane at this point(the guy has an imaginary friend for cryin out loud!) and learn about the history of what’s going on. Apparently the Predators are collecting warriors or several types to evolve themselves and stuff. Also there’s the “classic” predator type and the “super” predator types, and some ship which the group missed out cause it’s….invisible….duh!

Soon enough Morpheus goes batshit and everyone gets into more trouble. More people die, and a real real villainous douchebag is finally revealed (Hint : Venom!).They destroy the predators and they walk off to the sunset for a happy ending….Yeah Right!….they are still stuck in the planet and are looking up the sky for more visitors like them on parachutes….in case you don’t get it….it’s definitely a setup for a sequel 😉

The Awesome part :

1) Now despite it’s loopholes and some shortcomings, the movie was able to keep us glued at least until I had no choice but to run to the men’s room cause my bladder was filled with shit loads of coke.  That being said the loopholes and shortcomings are considerably less and this lets the movie NOT be sucky.

2) Adrien Brody…wow someone became uber fit for the movie. I never thought I would see the likes of Adrien Brody in a movie like this. Don’t take me wrong, but when was the last time you saw this guy carrying an assault rifle, sounding like Wolverine and beating the shit out of things bigger than him??? Exactly! He played his character well enough despite being clichéd at times but Royce is not too bad to hold up against “Dutch”…but the Governator always rocks! Period!

3) Alice Braga…..hot!

4) I think everyone performed well in the movie. I give extra credit to Topher Grace, while I was never able to take him seriously after “That 70’s Show” and he sucked in Spiderman 3(who didn’t?), he nailed it pretty well in this show. Morpheus played it quite well as a lunatic and the rest of the cast played their roles very well….btw the Yakuza dude does speak towards the end…and he wields the Katana in a pretty badass way.

5) no 3D….yes…I am pretty sick of almost all the movies coming in and treating us like morons by dangling the 3D in front of us. Predators does not follow that habit and at least treats us like intelligent viewers.

6) The Predators, both the “Classic” Predator and the “Super” Predators look less gay than their AvP counterparts.

7) Effects…the CG work was pretty good and due to shooting in a good location, lesser CG was needed and this makes it easier on our eyes too.

The Shitty Part:

1) Sometimes the characters, especially Royce comes across as a bit too clichéd in their behavior. This was probably done intentionally as it totally throws us off balance when the real douchebag reveals himself.

2) Another cliche in this is that there’s just one female here. While Alice Braga is really hot and all, watching a single female being among a group of criminals totally looses its logics.

3) The predator pets are just too weird.

4) Yakuza using a katana against a predator….I have to admit it’s cool but it’s not something I am gonna use against a thing like a Predator….lasers vs katanas…..u know where that leads to.

5) Morpheus only appears for like 10 mins or less….I think it will be totally insane to have a lunatic running along with you throughout the jungle, fighting the predators and talking to his imaginary friend….and this could’ve happened.

6) A cameo appearance by “Dutch” would be so totally awesome! I mean the Governator is gonna appear in “The Expendables”…why not this one??? 😦

Overall it’s a great movie, it should not disappoint you if you like the original Predator and definitely would not disappoint you if you are looking for an awesome, no beating around the bush straightforward action movie. If you have a choice between this and twilight, I am not gonna tell you which one to pick. It’s a no brainer…unless you actually do not have brains and pick the latter of course.

Until then

Fuck Off