Nut Gain ++

I was busy this week and was working at some oil town implementing systems when I got this wonderful news…well it’s a good and bad news….There’s a sequel to Final Fantasy XIII called….Final Fantasy XIII-2….duh!

It’s bad cause well the game wasn’t really a big hit with many people but at the same time it was good in some sense.

The good? Lightning…she’s back…OMG…hotter than ever….I am in love!

Dear Lightning, if you were real, I would be your greatest stalker you've ever known....Love, Postal Nerd!

Yeap….I have no way to calculate the amount of affection I have for Lightning eventhough she’s not real….LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Alright let’s leave my boner for a virtual girl out of the door and discuss something really important…nuts!

*ehem*

Over the weekend before leaving for my dreaded Oil Town job, I caught a new flick starring the Tooth Fairy…I mean the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! It’s called Faster!…yeap strange name for a movie but you know what, despite that, I am so glad the movie worked out fine for me.

I mean first and foremost, I knew The Rock since his WWE days when he used to do that weird eyebrow thing and left me feeling all mixed up for no reason.

I bet Adam Lambert can't do this shit

Then of course he went into movies where he made his appearance as some crappy Scorpion King and all, where the only thing worth watching in those movies were either Kelly Hu’s funbags or this guy’s abs….depends on which party you are.

Welcome to the party!

Of course those weren’t so bad, I mean I wouldn’t bitch about the chance of unlimited views of Kelly Hu’s cleavages and all…but then things went downhill for this guy.

He started starring in roles that even my cats thought were too pussy for them!

Pussy!

It came to a point I just looked at this guy as a faggot with muscles…I wonder if he was ever able to hit me for real!

Those days were long gone btw

So I basically wrote off this guy, forgot about him and started focusing on other possible talents….and then I realized there aren’t many talents out there these days…

Pictured : "Talent"

And then to my surprise he(The Rock…not Bieber) appeared for a shortwhile in The Other Guys…awesome shit movie..and a short lived badassery by The Rock!

I felt there’s hope after all for this masculine testosterone dripping man to make his name and me to look at him with pride that there ARE MEN AFTER ALL!!

But of course these are also MEN in my books!

And then finally….he appears in Faster….Forget testosterone…..he was one giant walking set of NARDS…..!

He perpetually looks like this in the movie, like Kratos in the whole friggin God Of War series

Here’s my review

Faster is a straightforward action movie, very old school flavored movie, literally not much nonsense..,..

The plot :

Dude comes out of jail and goes on a crazy shooting spree in the name of revenge cause some shit happened to him and his brother years ago….he’s angry….like all the time….Also..they got Moon Bloodgood!

Ladies, being hot alone isn't enough, you will also need a badass name from now on! Gay names like Scarlett won't cut it no more!

So the movie is simple, there’s no complicated storylines…not that I am sayin complicated storylines are bad….Inception is an example of a movie that will fuck your mind and still be awesome…but you see, that’s cause they have a talented guy handling it. Most UNtalented shitfucks try to make some epic shit which turns out to be shit anyway, cause they are just plain shit!

*ehem**ehem*...oh hai there shitfuck!

So the base of it is yes he’s angry, he drives a classic muscle car around with a revolver the size of an autobot’s dick! He goes around, look at his target, does not stop to speak bullshit like “oooo u are a bad guy, I am gonna kill you, wah wah” and does not have any stupid punch lines that’s supposed to double up as a pun….

If this guy ain't the king of Puns...what is ?

And then along the way you find out there’s a cop, his hot wife or girlfriend or whatever she is…she is hot anyway…and then a pretty boy assassin and his err…..hot wife…a bunch of bad guys….actually everyone’s bad here….and then guns….knives….the whole 9 yards!

The rock’s script is probably only a page long or less since I don’t really hear this guy talk much….he speaks like a couple of words and then shoots the shit out of people….kind of like how the ideal Sylvester Stallone is….

Not that I am saying he should shut up, but I just don't understand a thing he says!

By the way, the three main characters in this movie has no name, so we refer to them as Driver,Cop and Killer.

So the Driver is well..the driver…an angry looking Rock with the gun the size of an Autobot’s dick like I mentioned earlier, with a script of less than a page.

He probably even ate up the script in his rage

And then we have the cop, who may be familiar to some people here, but some dipshits won’t even recognize this stud!

Hint : He got THERE way before Brad Pitt did!

And then we have Killer….who looks eerily alike to Chesty Jake (pre Taylor Swift era)

He was the prettiest in the movie by the way

So we start with Driver going around killing people, and then Killer getting a mysterious call as a contract to kill Driver before he kills everyone else and Cop working out the case with some MILF!

Daaayyyyyummmn!!!!

Of course we get some side stories to quickly explain and introduce everyone to us.

Cop has some problems like drugs and also an illogically hot wife…although we do know what a stud that guy was in real life!

In case you people didn't get the hint earlier

And then we have Driver who is perpetually pissed all the time.

I see the resemblance now

And then probably the most hilarious part is when we are introduced to Killer…who so happens to be Mark Zuckerberg + Chesty Jake + Sam Fisher all in one.

Mother's Recipe for a perfect Assassin....

Killer also obsesses over Driver….cause Driver is so Pure and everything…to the point it looks almost like Gay obsession….then again I can’t blame him…he’s so pretty…prettier than his wife to be…and he sees a guy with arms the size of tree barks….

Killer's wife....who despite being hot, isn't as pretty as Killer

And then the story well goes on from there…and a twist appears too…not too bad for a straightforward movie, it throws you away with a twist which is well placed.

The sound in the movie is pretty awesome, especially when Driver’s revolver starts making noise….holy shit!

The music is pretty old styled, giving the movie a 70s feel to it…I like it personally.

The performances, well it’s a straight out action movie…you don’t need Daniel Day Lewis here but the cast here performed extremely well to their credit.

Kudos to Oliver Jackson-Cohen for almost stealing the show as a Mentally unstable Pretty and talented assassin with some OCD problems and all…he was hilarious…we needed that in a movie where the protagonist is angry all the time!

Billy Bob Thornton is just good, he doesn’t need to inject anything more, the dude’s a natural, he knows how to look shitty when the time requires him to, and knows how to look his role when the time needs him to.

And the other cast were equally good too, no complaints about them.

And finally Mr.Rock….impressive, eventhough he only had one impression on his face the whole time. His presence definitely had an impact, he’s large, he’s angry and he has a gun that’s bigger than your thighs….that’s scary….at times after looking at him, you realize being in a room with pazuzu ain’t that bad actually.

If u think this is scary, wait till you end up in a room with an Angry Dwayne Johnson!

The greatest thing about this movie though is the action sequence, which are NOT done in CG AT ALL!!!!! Which makes it so fucking authentic and badass….unlike some full CGI action movie we’ve seen lately!

Recipe for crap : Shitty CGI and Shia Labeouf

So I give it a high rating, go fucking watch it unless you are disgusted by violence and men being real men! Then you faggots should continue watching your Bieber concerts and Twilight Marathons!

Britney sez it all!

So till then

Fuck Off

 

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