I now officially announce Uwe Boll as “BETTER”!!!! No, it’s “WAY BETTER!!!”

I caught Resident Evil over the weekend, the one where it’s built in 3D from ground up and FINALLY features Chris Redfield after FOUR FREAKING PARTS WITHOUT THE ORIGINAL FUCKING HERO!!!! Btw Chris Redfield is played by the guy who had to battle with an old man for Mariah Carey’s affection in a crappy music video.

Oh yeah he was also the freaky tattooed guy in Prison Break

Anyway before going on to talking about this guy, I am going to review this movie…..DAMN STRAIGHT I AM GONNA REVIEW IT!!!

For starters,

RE:Afterlife is the 4th part of the Live Action Resident Evil movie, directed by Paul W.S Anderson, also know as the guy who’s banging Alice…I mean Milla Jovovich….who also happens to star as the protagonist of the series….whose character HAS NEVER APPEARED IN THE FUCKING GAMES BEFORE!!!

What makes this part supposedly “special” is that it was built in 3D from ground up, which means by theory, it will not be as crappy as any other movies which are marketed as a 3D gimmick where its shot in 2D and then converted to 3D….and the movies which usually end up as trash!

*ehem*....yes we are talking about you Shyamalan!

Also what makes this franchise “special” is that it’s considered an indie production…yes….it’s supposed to be on the level of Requiem for a Dream, Trainspotting and such…..please take note of my line “supposed to be”…and don’t take it to be literally equal to the other indie movie samples I have mentioned.

Sorry to disappoint you Juno fans...nope this ain't another Juno-esque review!

So now on to the review!

Afterlife starts off as a continuation from the previous part if you remember where Milla wakes up….hundreds of other Millas….cause probably it’s a fetish with this Anderson guy to have twincest with more than one Milla….but he decided to jack it up to 100s of twincest….

Can't blame him, she's hot...OH WAIT Wrong Milla!!!! Still HOT!

So the story starts in Japan where they show a cute Japanese girl suddenly becoming a zombie and eating up a helpless old Pedophile who was eyeballing her throughout the city in slow motion……and this had to be done to strike fear in us the next time we go to Japan looking for young school girls in the middle of friggin Shibuya!

Yeap....this sweet thing here is a potential zombie....GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER!!!

And then we are brought to Anderson’s fetish of multiple Millas shooting away and getting killed (without expression) in Umbrella corporation’s underground base until only one Milla survives……and stupidly falls for a trap that even a retarded midget could’ve figured a thousand miles away. So much for being “superhuman”….bimbo!

Mini Me could've destroyed Umbrella Corporation ALONE!!!

Anyway the story continues on after a jet crashes burns and our “humanized” heroin walks out of it alive….fucking Miracle I tell you! And then she goes on to travel by a nice looking plane which god knows how she found to Arkadia which is supposedly an uninfected zone where people are supposed to be running freely (and naked maybe) at the beach! But alas! we are only presented Ali Larter who isn’t in anyway exposed! FUCK!!!

THIS could've made the movie more tolerable!!

And then the two chicks who DO NOT MAKE OUT to the disappointment of all of us, fly in their pretty little airplane to the middle of the city where a group of people are somehow mysteriously still surviving on the top of a building….god knows how! There are many loopholes here that makes the original RE video games seem REALLY realistic!

So anyway, they find themselves a bunch of new friends in the form of a British accented chick who wanted make it big in hollywood but ends up with a shitty producer who is a shitty guy anyway, an asian zombie bait, a guy who speaks like Stallone and a token black guy who happens to be an NBA superstar…..and they HAD to make a point out of this by making him do a slamdunk on the plane that is about to fall on a big Woodstock-esque crowd of zombies who were then disappointed that a black guy ruined it all for them!

Kinda like how this guy ruined it for the Republicans

And from there we find out everyone is an asshat there, except for the cool black guy who happens to be so ultra cool and isn’t the first to die cause apparently Anderson knew that making the token black people pretty uncool and die first like in the previous movie so NOT COOL with the champion of Black People!

He's angry but still full of himself!

And then we are introduced to Chris Redfield, AFTER 4 MOTHERFUCKING PARTS, we are introduced to the original hero of the RE series….played by….a male model!

Supermarket trolleys have never looked so good!

Of course our Chris Redfield is no way the Original Chris Redfield we know….he’s just a lean boy who tries to sound like Snake Plissken who got dipped into a bag full of Lucky Charms!

Children, meet the original badass!

So they try to escape, and unexpectedly someone else dies instead of token black guy (WOW!!!) and then they get ambushed by what is a FUCKING GIANT AXEMAN (imported from the game) with a MASSIVE FUCKING AXE (crafted so well by a zombie strangely) who chopped the Asian Zombie bait with such ninja skills NO ONE FUCKING SAW HIM COMING!!!! The thing’s like 15 feet tall and is the size of a fucking Rolls Royce standing upright and NOBODY notices this fucking thing approach them and slicing the Asian Zombie Bait in half!!!! This is called fucking Ninja Skills!!!!

Or he could've picked it up from this guy

And then everyone else dies by the way except one slimebag who dies later anyway, in between though we are then treated to what we always expect, token black guy “dying”….cause well We just know it right? And then all that’s left is the Redfield siblings and Milla….of course! Cause it’s Milla the Movie, not Resident Evil in anyway! And then they go on to fight a couple of zombie dogs, save some old heroes, and then fight the badguy where Chris Redfield only gets a highlight of BEATING A FUCKING DEAD SNAKE action where he shoots the badguy who is already lying down in his own blood! Way to go Hero! Fuck you Anderson! And then we also shown how “intelligent” Alice is cause she rigged the helicopter the bad guy is gonna escape (WOW WE SO DID NOT SEE THIS COMING!) so it blows up!……So Alice while loosing her superhuman powers, has gained superhuman intelligence and superhuman speed to the point she can disarm a bomb, disassemble it, and assemble it back in a helicopter all in one swift motion that makes Edward Cullen look like a slowpoke!

Sorry Edward, Milla's just way too quicker than you can ever hope to be!

And everyone lives happily ever after…..NO…cause Anderson has blatantly put an intention of a FIFTH FUCKING SEQUEL where we are shown a few minutes of Jill Valentine looking hot and trying to look evil at the same time….END OF STORY!…oh wait it’s not END yet…there’s a sequel coming to kill our brains!!!

By the way we are thrown a twist, where….the token BLACK GUY SURVIVES!!!! OMFG!!!!

But he will never be as badass as this guy!

So…verdict, the movie sucks…it sucks way beyond Step Up in terms of story, plot and acting.

The story/plot is ridiculously crafted by Anderson who knows the shit he’s doing cause at least 3/4 of the world’s moron population seem to love the movie as witnessed by it’s Box Office performance. So Anderson, yes…congratulations…you know how to wade through a moron’s mind so well, I have to fucking salute you!

Heil Anderson! I mean Salute Anderson!

The acting is so bad….Milla clearly sucks at acting, and she only excels at looking stylish,hot or whatever you call it! She makes Sylvester Stallone look like Daniel Day Lewis!

But to be honest, I never had the balls to say he sucks....I think you get my point!

Ali Larter does a decent job (probably the most decent performer throughout the movie), she performs well, looks suitably badass when the need arises and DAMN she’s HOT!!! She has actually made Milla look…OUTDATED!

Milla who????

Wentworth Miller….I don’t mean to diss this guy, I think he has done a decent job in the tv series Prison Break and probably a decent job as a stone faced guy in the Mariah Carey’s MTV but he’s horrible here…..and I know he has a good body and all but he’s just not cut out to play Chris Redfield!

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Redfield, I'll get to the part where I have a suggestion WHO SHOULD PLAY HIM!

Other than that, everyone else here are sidelined cause like I said, it’s Milla the movie…not Resident Evil….period!

Now what’s really awesome in the movie is the soundtracks, really bitchin soundtracks….I enjoyed that more than the movie itself.

Next we move on to the 3D effects…..Pretty damn impressive yes, but for a movie that is built up from 3D, it did not surpass Step Up 3D sadly, they could’ve done more with the effects, it’s good, but not awe inspiring, I can’t believe a Dance movie made my jaw drop more than a movie where I expected more insane 3D effects….I mean the recipe was there, Zombies, BLOOD (gallons of it!), Guns, knives, horror elements….but it just did not stand out……it’s like giving all the awesome recipe of a great gourmet dinner to a retard to cook instead of Jamie Oliver.

Hand this guy one piece of bread, one piece of cheese and one set of bacon and he'll blow your mind....like McGyver used to

Overall ,the movie sucked, even the 3D effects isn’t gonna save it sadly. I highly recommend NOT to watch it, unless you are a moron who has no idea what the FUCK is Resident Evil about or you are just one of the retarded Michael Bay fans who can’t differentiate between a good movie, bad movie and a retarded movie.

Dear Michael Bay, Paul Anderson is now a threat to your throne of suckyness....please take action immediately!

And my advice to Hollywood and Capcom, simple! Assasinate Anderson, Milla too if you really want….we don’t need her…Ali Larter’s here to stay! And then reboot the RE franchise….and here’s my list of casts perfect for this movie :

Chris Redfield : Christian Bale….why? Cause he fits the profile and he’s fucking awesome….He can sound scary and badass and has the imposing look…I mean seriously, who would you prefer to offend face to face? Him or Wentworth Miller???? Exactly!

Imagine this, Chris Redfield in a Bat costume, Zombie Proof! He will only need to worry about Zombie Rottweilers though!

Claire Redfield : Retain Ali Larter, she’s decent enough and she’s hot….so hot we can forget Milla!

"Yum!" Says us and the zombies!

Jill Valentine : Recast Sienna Guillory, I have no problem with that, she looks fine enough!

Not Ali Larter HOT but good enough!

Leon Kennedy : You can either recast Wentworth Miller (with hair) or go for GOLD….Joseph Gordon Levitt! Why??? Cause he’s awesome! He can bring the needed characterization for Leon as Christian Bale can bring in the other side of the coin….

Badassery and Style never molded together so well!!!

And also rope in this guy to direct the movie :

Anyone who doesn't know this guy should be shot to death!

Next just eliminate Alice cause Alice is not needed and never existed in the Original Games anyway…..it’s just a stupid gimmick to make Milla the movie instead of Resident Evil and it sucks big time! You could just cast Tyler Durden in Resident Evil and it will be way better!!!

So badass Zombies get mindfucked daily!

So overall that’s all I gotta say, the movie sucks, part 5 is inevitable unless someone assassinates this guy and reboots the franchise with my suggested casting line!  Fuck I should be working at Hollywood….I am stuck at a shitty job where I have to be awesome almost all the time simply cause I am awesome…..FUCK!

Being Awesome sucks! Just ask this guy!

In fact, now I forgive Uwe Boll for all the trash he has been doing cause now there are so many asshats that are coming in who are way way way worse than he can ever be! And he finally looks better compared to the other bunch of simians that are popping up currently.

That's right Uwe, you ROCK and I LOVE YOU!

So Till Then,

Fuck Off

P.S For anyone who really does plan to assassinate whoever I mentioned above, I will not be held liable for that shit! You did it cause he sucks big time! Period!

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