Dear Lord, I have found someone possibly worst than Channing Tatum

awww...look he's so happy!

That’s right! Over the weekend I checked out Step Up 3D because of the 3D hype it generated. Many reviews mentioned it was pretty magnificent and stuff (the 3D I meant, NOT the movie!) so I was curious. I mean in technical terms no movie has come near to Avatar in terms of 3D presentation although Avatar sucked ass in terms of storyline, it’s like a retarded Pocahontas on drugs.

I seeeeeeeeeeeeee uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

So i went to catch Step Up and see how awesome is the 3D effects.

Truth be told, I never expected a dance movie to fully embrace the 3D concept successfully and do it with style. All these time, I expected an action movie or a horror movie to show a spectacular 3D showcase, but nope, never expected a dance movie, especially not one that had Channing Tatum in it’s line of casts before…..

Yeap the same wooden guy in G.I.Joe!

The movie starts off trying to be pseudo epic with a very “intimate” video recording of some dancers explaining their passion in the art and such. It’s pretty hilarious that they take themselves too seriously at this point but HEY, it’s just the beginning, perhaps it *might* get better later right? right???

Then we are brought to one of the protagonists who looks like Michael Cera who is a whole foot shorter with a nose that’s a foot longer and a poor man’s Emma Watson. They are imported from the first movie by the way.

She's legal now, Pedobears around the world rejoice!

From there, to my delight, the story didn’t waste time dragging it but got straight to the point of showing us that the midget Michael Cera-esque kid had some sick dancing moves, easily the best among the entire cast (we’ll get to that!).

Once that’s done we are then introduced to the “Hero” of the story who looks like he is some product of an unholy fucking union between Ashton Kutcher and Ricky Martin.

The unholy union = Ultimate Male Gigolo

Of course all the hilariously bad parts start here onwards. Our “Hero” turns out to be some dude with a video camera who supposedly has some god like parkour skills, which is only shown twice in the movie with no full effect. All he does is parade around his Gigolo-ish self around because that’s what’s he’s probably paid to do and why he passed his audition….not cause he can dance, it’s cause he looks like the super perfect male gigolo.

From here we are then introduced to his “crew” of dancers who comprise of some weird red headed woman who makes Fergie look like a schoolgirl filled with acne, some dancers who are meant to be in the background, a pair of twins who keep dressing up like the Olsen twins, btw there’s also major references to the Olsen twins, but NOT by the twins though,a black Arnold, cause no SHIT he talks like Arnold….although I never noticed him dancing throughout the movie strangely….I guess Terminators aren’t built to bust a move yet….and lastly the coolest person in the entire movie….a guy who moves like a FUCKING robot….who also has NO FUCKING LINES in the movie, except for moving around like a FUCKING ROBOT….SO AWESOME!!!

Once the introduction’s done, we are then brought to the FEMALE lead of the show, yes in case you are too shallow to know, every DANCE movie MUST have a female lead, this is to avoid the male lead from looking like a GAY GIGOLO!!! Although it doesn’t change the fact here that the male lead still looks like the PERFECT GAY GIGOLO!!!!

Gorgeous Girl Next Door who can challenge you to a dance off....

Our Female lead is introduced in a very wide open dance floor (what a sucky club!) doing a suspiciously looking mix of ballet,street dancing and slut jamming in the dance floor along with her obviously lifted boobs cause all male audience in a dance movie MUST see the female lead’s breasts. This also ignores the fact that females who bust a move usually do not need humongous fucking boobs cause no offence big boobed ladies,we all love a healthy set of boobs but… just gets in the way honestly!  Right off we know that the male gigolo and this cute thing here will eventually make out somewhere along the lines cause…really…there’s no fucking chance of a dark twist where the girl eventually gets married to a 80 year old millionaire for “realistic” reasons will ever happen in a movie like this…because the audience for this movie are generally people with rather low intelligence level and IQs that rival those of a bison on crack so yes…do not expect anything twisty or intelligent here….Alright on to the story.

We are then brought to the plot where THIS BIG GROUP OF PEOPLE are living together and dancing ALL FUCKING DAY without doing anything else, and they MAKE ENDS MEET via a club downstairs where the dance floor was empty enough for push up boob chick to do slutty ballet moves on the floor without people purchasing anything….I have no clue on how that helps to MAKE ENDS MEET?

Now they have no money to pay up their debts for the past six months and they are risking foreclosure….WOW….you have enough people to form a fucking Ice Hockey team there but no one has money?!?!? Every one of them can take up any oddjobs and pay up 5% of their salaries or 100 bucks each and try to clear it up no???? but NOOOOO everyone wants to DANCE the whole FUCKING day but no one has money to fork out for the place where they live in cause THEY HAVE NO OTHER PLACE TO GO!!! Way to go America!!!

So their ultimate plan is to use midget Michael Cera guy as their WEAPON to win some dance competition which will win them 100 grand. Along the lines we also find out that the gigolo guy apparently is a filmmaker and push up boobs chick commits the greatest blasphemy a movie can make by christening him “Tarantino”!!!! Do the fucking screenwriters know who the FUCK is Tarantino….and how they should not taint his name this way!!! Dipshits!!!

OMG he's pissed!!! *shits in pants*

The story then shows us some TWIST which even my cat could’ve predicted where push up boobs chick is actually the bad guy’s sister…..OMG!!!! We predicted that even before the movie started! But of course morons in the cinema gasped like it was a major twist rivaling “I’m your father!” type of twist….gimme a break! Did I mention the badguy looks like a hilarious villain who takes himself so seriously even Hannibal Lecter might laugh himself to death! Did I mention he also looks like a potential hilarious villainous Hitler’s “perfect” aryan gay toyboy!

to your left, evil aryan, to your right, indifferent aryan

So then we go on to the story where things get shitty (predictably) , and things get awesome (predictably) and the good guys win…..duh…..what did you expect? Dark ending? The audience are not smart enough to embrace that!

So what’s awesome in this movie?

The dance choreography surpasses those of it’s predecessors. It showcases some of the most spectacular dance moves I’ve ever seen in a dance movie. Personally I think the most epic dance choreography comes late in the second battle under extreme wet conditions in Chinatown with the cliche of dozens of chinamen gambling away….very “intelligent” these filmmakers…they actually figured out the Chinese love to gamble…..*applaud*!!!! The midget Michael Cera-esque kid nails it here….

The second great dance scene comes from the street in an off topic plot where the midget Michael Cera kid nails it another time with the Poor Man’s Emma Watson in what I daresay a very cute choreographed dance scene, it was fun, possibly the best scene of the movie desite being utterly ridiculous (a stolen hate??? dude!!!). Surprise Surprise, poor man’s Emma Watson is a great dancer….and we know this only towards the end by the way!

The sound for the movie is pretty good, considering it has to rely on a good sounds to give us the extra ooomph factor during a dance scene. Although I was never a fan of what they call RnB these days, I have to admit the movie made some of these tunes foot tap-able and enjoyable, partially thanks to the superb choreography and the epic 3D effects….which are coming to next!

The 3D effects….gosh….I am amazed. Like I mentioned, I never expected a dance movie of all genres to bring us perfect 3D entertainment. I got pretty fed up with movies that marketed themselves as 3D and sucked at delivering just that. Step Up 3D delivered… terms of 3D….and I daresay it rivals the much superior Avatar in these terms….actually it rivals Avatar in terms of a sucky storyline too….The dance scenes became much more epic with the added 3D effects and this is the selling point of the movie. Anyone should watch it to experience this, a real 3D effect….which reminds me….I should be watching Milla in 3D soon too.

A.K.A Hotness in 3D

Now the movie sucked badly in terms of plot and acting. Nobody acted well there except for the midget Michael Cera who has a potential to be the next nerd hit when Michael Cera decides to leave acting and become a Nuclear Scientist or something…and also Chadd Smith who despite never spoke in the entire movie, had more expression as a robot guy than any other cast in the movie.

Left : Gigolo with zero expressions, Right: Robot with MORE expressions

The story was ridiculous, with loopholes that rival the number of bulletholes in Angel Alvarez anytime!

Sorry Bro! Someone beat you to the holes!

That being said the only “Actor” who will survive out of this should he decide to pursue acting will be the midget Michael Cera-esque kid as he has the Nerd thing going on with him. He was in the first movie anyway.

Imagine Michael Cera screaming "you got served!" at you!

And probably poor man’s Emma Watson may have a chance too. She was also in the first movie anyway.

Pedobears rejoice!

And this brings us to the “handsome” hero…..the person who I said is finally someone who is worst than Channing Tatum himself….zero acting skills, very good looks I have to admit, perfect Gigolo, I hope he will surpass Channing Tatum because I fucking hate Channing Tatum!

The only closest thing you'll get to an emotion in Step Up 3D

So my verdict : This movie sucks big time! It’s unbelievably horrible! The plot makes me crack up every 5 minutes cause it’s beyond stupid. Anyone who finds this movie watchable in that sense are proven idiots with no proof of intelligence living in them. That being said, the first two Step Ups were never good anyway….and also to give it the benefit of doubt, it’s not meant to be a movie with a proper storyline and proper acting….it’s a dance movie where we are just there to watch them dance. It doesn’t disappoint in terms of dancing, I call it superior to its predecessors and it knocks them off completely with the 3D effects….it totally surprised me that a movie of this genre will knock all other movies off in the 3D department and stand toe to toe with Avatar….in 3D and sucky that is. Anyone should just watch it for the experience but don’t expect something akin to Hurt Locker magnitude or Daniel Day Lewis acting…..cause you’ll be incredibly stupider than the usual run off the mill audience to expect that!

Probably what I would wish in future is something akin to Step Up 3D in terms of choreography and 3D effects….and something akin to Fight Club in terms of storyline and acting. But nothing I wished for ever came true 😦

Imagine the Twist! First rule of Step Up, we do not talk about Step Up! *nerdgasm!*

So well….I actually give this an awesome and shitty mark….go watch it….at least it’s better than any shit Megan Fox is in.

Yes Step Up 3D is better than this....anyone remember this???

So Till Then, enjoy your favorite shitty movies

Fuck Off

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