What I’d Say to My 16-Year-Old Self

If I was able to give a sound advice to my 16-year old self, it would be “she’s not worth it bud…give it up…cause someday you are gonna look back and ask what the fuck was wrong with you”. But I understand I am gonna need a DeLorean to do this shit!

The significance of a time machine.....and a dog that's waving at you!

Here’s a history of me.

When I was back in high school I was a very nerdy kid. I was socially awkward, I played video games so much, swam in Lord of the Rings books, spoke about anime and video games all fucking day long with my other equally or nerdier friends.

NERDS!!!!

Of course even the nerdiest kid at times can’t escape the raging hormones he gains during his teenage years. I never escaped mine either. So when I was hitting this age, I was fascinated with boobs and girls. And I had this heavy crush on a girl back in school. Let’s name her….Charlize….cause I just wanna look at Charlize Theron so that I don’t get reminded of what the fuck was I in love with back in school.

Ohh Helloooow Beautiful!

Now I used to worship the ground Charlize walked on cause Charlize back in school was like what Charlize Theron is to me right now. *UBER MOTHERFUCKING HOT*!

Sorry guys...I couldn't resist! ooh....Helllooooowwww Beautiful!!!! *blushing*

So I was pretty crazy about her. Dreamed about her day in and day out, always wishing I can hold her hands cause back then I never actually thought of fucking her brains out….I was THAT MUCH IN LOVE apparently….when asked why wasn’t I thinking about fucking her brains out, I would always say my “love” for her is “pure”….yeah….yeah….keep laughing, I will eventually find you and kill you!

I'll find you and ki....ooooo Helllooooowwww Beautiful!!!

So I always found a reason to be nearby her, being so nice to her, always trying to charm her with my extreme nerdiness to the point it made me look like a lesser-McLovin at that era.

Just like this, without the vest and McLovin awesomeness of course

And I had this massive crush on her for at least 3 fucking years….yes…for 3 fucking years I was so clueless….I couldn’t get her to even respond to my crush or even be attracted to me….it totally killed my self esteem overtime. I felt like a loser…oh wait, I was a loser!  And it all came down to one point where I decided (like a golden moron of course) that I MUST tell her my feelings, IT’S NOW OR NEVER, and perhaps if I told her she might actually realize she’s in love with me too! You know what, FUCK YOU HOLLYWOOD!!!

The only good thing to come out of Hollywood....Ooooo Hellloooooowww Beautiful!!!

So I did, I brought her to a corner, went all nervous to the point I was crushing cans in my hands, shivering to death and I told her I was in love with her. Right now I feel so embarrassed I kinda want to kill myself. But I love myself too much anyway.

Pretty sure he understands what Loving yourself too much means

So I told her my feelings and i was expecting her to respond with “I am in love with you too”…..how lame right? She rejected me then and there! Said she ain’t ready, this isn’t supposed to be LIKE THAT (what the fuck does that mean???), and we can be FRIENDS, to which I gladly obliged like the fucking moron I was.

Apparently I wasn't alone in the moron dept.

The next couple of years went on in high school without any incident but after that she eventually hooked up with some other guy who relentlessly chased after her, then she had relationship problems, went out with another guy who looked like a trashbag out of Chinatown and she became pseudo nuts after that.

Yeap this is the guy who snatched my girl!

And little did we know, the rule of Harry Potter’s Hermione did not apply here. Unlike Emma Watson who was predicted to grow hot and finally DID grow HOT (to the pleasure of pedobears around the globe), Charlize on the other hand did not grow to be HOT.

This only applies to Emma Watson!

Charlize instead aged like bread rather than wine. Fast forward 10 years from high school, I see her and I asked myself….”WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH YOU???”….I mean she totally looked like a 10 (only to my fucking eyes apparently) back in school, but now she looks like the older sister I never had….older by 15 FUCKING years that is!

OMG Charlizeeeeeeeee!!!

And I thought to myself, imagine if she did respond to my feelings back then. I hook up with her, went through with a relationship and realized as each day passed by she started to look older and older and then finally turning into a cougar who isn’t actually a cougar!

Nobody would say NO to a cougar that looks like this btw....

Right now as I type this, both me and Charlize DO NOT match at all. Of course I went through a phase where I was loaded up with substance and was aging not far from Keith Richards.

But I bet he's getting laid as I type this shit right now!

But that has since been reversed after I chose a healthy lifestyle without substance and just a lot of Pork! Now though I will be touching 30 soon, I look no more than 25/26….which is actually bad thing too cause no dipshit will ever take me seriously as an adult! But who cares…I am Hotter than you!

Let's face it, I am hotter than you!

And I look at Charlize and I realize, thank god I never hooked up with her. I left school a devastated nerd, got into college and had a massive transformation and became what I am today…and thank god I never dated Charlize…..because like that would be pretty much a trauma to me.

Let's take a break to look at God's Perfection....Helloooooowwwww Beautiful!

And that is the advise I’ll give to my 16-year old self……”she ain’t worth it, just go on with life, someday you’ll get your share of pussies”.

I wasn't talkin about these pussies...oh...Nevermind!

Now keep in mind this isn’t about me bitching about vanity. Charlize not only ended up looking like a cougar who isn’t a cougar. She also became mentally unstable, from the sweet high school girl she became trashy adult as opposed to me who became…..SIMPLY AWESOME! *applaud*. So I was lucky I never hooked up with that nutjob.

Dear Lord! Imagine the possibilities!

But I was transformed myself to be pretty FUCKING AWESOME and I am me now….AWESOMENESS!

I finally reached McLovin status!

So there it is a small history lesson on me and how lucky I feel shit did not happen to me back then. And because that happened, I became what I am….PURE AWESOMENESS TO THE FUCKING CORE!

Awesome like Aldo!

Till Then

Fuck Off

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