This movie makes Tekken look like an Oscar Winner A.K.A King Of Fighters Movie Review

Ok, I take back everything I said about Tekken and Uwe Boll. What I saw yesterday made Tekken look Oscar Worthy and Uwe Boll look like a fucking god!
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you….King Of Fighters the Movie.
From what I understand it’s a part Chinese/Canadian production which probably brought the worst of two countries packed up in one shitty as fuck movie.

No Chinese Awesomeness like this one in KOF the movie!

It contains something worst than "My Heart Will Go On"

Ok so here’s the fucked up premise of the movie.

Apparently everyone’s NORMAL like everybody else, which defeats the purpose of the movie in the first place. And they are enrolled in the King Of Fighters tournament like NORMAL people. And then when there’s a fight, which apparently can only have one opponent versus one opponent at a time (which was explained by the whore twins Vice and Mature), the “fighters” will get a call on their OH SO FUCKING ADVANCED bluetooth lookalike device which has a cheap hologram of KOF logo floating on it, they answer it and BOOOOOOM!!!!! they are transported to an alternate dimension where they are alternate versions of themselves (only different clothes mind you) and they fight……try to fucking digest this and then keep reading further cause your mind would’ve been pretty fucked up by the time you reach the line where I mention whore twins.

Which makes these Twins, A LOT more bearable!!!

Ok you back??? Got your bearings back? We continue on of course! Get fucking ready!

Now we go to the cast….you are so gonna love it.

First of we have the main character of KOF , no it’s NOT Kyo Kusanagi, it’s fucking Mai Shiranui!!! Yes….That’s how it’s gonna go!

My First Question : Where's the Tits?!?!?!

First of all, no disrespect to Maggie Q, I know she’s quite hot and all and we will all tap her ass irregardless of whether or not almost all the movies she appear in suck in epic proportions or not. But for Fuck sake, can they get a woman with TITS to play Mai?!?!?! I know a lot of fanboys who are gonna be upset with this shit cause we all love Mai for ONE THING!!!! YES THAT THING!!! It doesn’t make sense to put Mai in as a secret agent (YES A SECRET FUCKING AGENT) and cast a woman whose chest is probably flatter than mine as Fucking Mai Shiranui!!!! This is a disgrace!!! Worst of all, Mai in the movie is not the bubbly Mai from the game at all, she’s just a serious bad english speaking person!

NEXT UP!!!

If you are able to see any resemblance between these two, I will bestow you my fucking foreskin!!!!

Iori Yagami, the super powered beastly guy from KOF is casted as a faggot gentleman in the movie with a shady past. Yes IORI is a FUCKING GENTLEMAN….and his shady past??? He was possessed by Orochi and for a SHORT FUCKING TIME he showed his “beastly side” which was not anywere remotely as scary as my fucking cat in rage!

A LOT SCARIER!!!!

You know what’s the worst part….”Mr.Yagami” was dating Mai!!!!

Ouch Andy! Mai found a better faggot!

On to the next person…this will fucking make you cry!

Children here's where you learn the difference...LOST WHITE BOY to your left....and ASIAN to your right! capiche???

They casted a guy who looks like he dropped out of Twilight auditions to be Kyo….FUCKING KYO KUSANAGI!!!! The main character of King of Fighters gets a whitewash treatment from a guy that looks no less gayer than Jacob from Twilight!

Now on the brightside, if this guy decides to play Diva, Stephanie Meyers has another option to look into!

Kyo here is a clueless idiot, whose daddy is bedridden (a useless Saisyu Kusanagi btw) and has sexual tensions with Mai as well (way to go slut!). He’s practically useless right up the end where he summons a lightsaber like thing to kill the badguy (we’ll come to him soon). By the way take a look at Saisyu too while you are at it!

*speechless*

Saisyu’s pretty much a dead log in the entire movie until he hears the name “Iori Yagami” then he flies into a frenzy…then dies….yeap…pointless casting there. They could’ve casted a log that goes into frenzy!

Oh wait a minute!

Next up we have another cast that will make you….wince in pain I guess.

Yes you get Terry Bogard with short hair and CIA like Intelligence (none in this case)

Terry Bogard is a CIA operative (yes I almost died laughing but the asshole next to me in the cinema kept ssshhhh-ing me!) and he has the intelligence equivalent to Pete Doherty on drugs!

Stupid Everyday!

He also fights like a wimp getting beaten the shit out of him by the whore twins (we will come to that soon enough) and he’s made to be so “pure” american, you know, the stereotypical character who is American and stupid. I don’t get it, I am not a big fan of stereotyping people but why do people love to picture an American as an idiot???

On second thoughts...forget I even asked.

Best of all, Terry Bogard manages to crack a password on a HIGHLY SECURE FUCKING LAPTOP by sending a mysterious text message to someone!!! WHY???? CAUSE HE’s FUCKING CIA!!!

Or he probably sent the text to this guy! Who Knows!

Next up…we go to Shizuru!

A sluttier Shizuru with saggy breasts! No Shit!

We are introduced to Shizuru in the beggining who was wearing a shitty slutty dress with what I can say is an unbelievable set of saggy boobs that rivals even Ms.Chokesondick!

They could've just hired her, but too bad she died!

So Shizuru is the caretaker of some shitty relics which the bad guy wants and spends 3/4 of the movie getting injured badly, being near death and finally dying. She’s practically pointless in the movie. They could’ve just hired a log and planted boobs on it and casted it in the movie!

Shizuru and Saisyu...what a pair!

Now we move on to the whore twins. The reason I call them whore twins is cause they were introduced in the very beginning trying to get their lesbian asses some hot lesbian ass….which almost led us to the ONLY good scene in the movie IF IT EVER HAPPENED, which could’ve been HOT FUCKING LESBIAN SEX!!!!! But NOOOOOOOOOOO they had to be called off to a fight and got hypnotised and became EVIL WHORE TWINS instead!

Whore Twin 1....

Whore Twin 2

What we almost got!

The Whore twins…who bear NO FUCKING RESEMBLANCE to the original Whores of KOF spent most of the movie hypnotised and being EVIL WHORE TWINS beating the shit out the likes of Terry Bogard and getting their ass beaten from a really skinny and flat chested Mai Shiranui! Other than that, they are practically useless except for appearing abso-fucking-lutely WHORISH! They could’ve just made a porn out of Twin Whores and we could’ve been happier!

Yay!

And now we come to Rugal….the “BADGUY”!!!

Rugal is played by a guy who’s probably half his size. Ray Park. To be honest I love Ray Park, I love him as Darth Maul and I love him as Snake Eyes but this shitty movie has also successfully portrayed him as MEGA SHIT!

He plays a guy who's twice his size and he has an annoying accent.

Worst of all he has Kyo Kusanagi’s powers in the movie and speaks with a shitty accent. Here’s a point, Ray Park is awesome when he DOESN’T FUCKING TALK!!!!

Exhibit A: Darth Maul doesn't talk, manages to Kill FUCKING QUI GON JIN!!! Awesome Factor : 10 out of FUCKING 10!

Exhibit B : Snake Eyes DOESN'T TALK!!! But he is the only fucking reason G.I. Joe was watchable....Awesomeness Level : 11 out of fucking 10!!!!

That’s all I am gonna say about Ray and Rugal……it pains me to criticize Ray Park but I have to 😦

And Next we go to Orochi….the EVIL THING in King Of Fighters.

Orochi in the ORIGINAL King of Fighters is basically an insane evil guy (keep this word in mind : GUY!!!)

The Face of Evil! Try calling him gay just once in his face!

Of course what we get in the movie is a bunch of snakes that look like they are mating each other. Yes SNAKES FUCKING!

Something like this...I am not supposed to post porn!

And lastly, a small appearance of Ryo Sakazaki, who gets his asskicked by Mai.

again kids....LOST WHITE BOY....ASIAN....capiche???

Ryo….the lead in Art of Fighting, gets a shit treatment in the movie by being casted with another Twilight reject and gets his ass handed to him by skinny boobless Mai right in the beginning of the movie. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! You know what producers, FUCK YOU!!!!

And that’s it…we are treated to shit for an hour and a half with a movie that has a ridiculous plot even if it’s done without any King Of Fighters Characters. With the KOF characters, it has gone beyond stupid, insane and whatever I can think of.

The movie itself looks cheap, sound is horrible, special effects are horrible, the camera angles, fight scenes are all SHIT!

And I guess I know how SNK feels about it.

Poor SNK!

To me it looks like a stupid mentally retarded fanboy decided to write an uber retarded fanfiction and decided to make a movie out of it just because he had the funding. I am a little surprised though cause the director, Gordon Chan is known to make some really great movies like Beast Cops and Fist of Legend, but ends up doing shit like this. Someone would’ve had a gun in his head I guess….no idea about that. But to the producers who did this shit, firstly you could’ve waited until you got better funding to do this movie, meanwhile you could’ve released at least decent movies about retarded people who are awesome.

Oh wait...that's done already!

And most importantly, get a person who’s NOT STUPID AND/OR RETARDED to write your shit. Seriously a regular housecat could’ve written a better screenplay than the retards who wrote this shit!

Word has it that Quentin stole Inglorious Basterds from this poor thing!

You are ruining a great franchise and I hope SNK STAYS THE FUCKING AWAY from this piece of shit that actually makes Tekken look way better.

Basically to all douchebags that spoil video game franchises, someday you’ll pay for your sins. Someday you’ll find yourself face to face with a massive video game villain come to life just to kill you motherfuckers!

He's gonna FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!

I hope you all FUCKING DIE!!!!

Till Then

Fuck Off!!!!

Some Pictures are sourced from HellForge

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