Finally, after a long time, a movie for Men By Men!

Take a guess! Come On! Take a guess!

If you guessed this, I'll take a flight down to your place and bitchslap you!

It’s Fucking Expendables!…..and it’s sooooo bad asss!!!!

And here’s my short review of it.

For anyone who do not know of The Expendables, you seriously need to get out more instead of sitting home and rejoicing in your sissy ass lives!

Especially when you take like 2 hours to groom yourself like this one here.

The Expendables , FYI, is an action movie that comprises of action movie stars of yesterday and today in one movie. Directed by Sylvester Stallone (those who do now know this name should just leave now), it is pretty badass.

The unofficial poster to give you a clue, and sadly Danny Trejo isn't in the official movie šŸ™‚

The plot revolves around a group of mercenaries comprising of 5 really huge guys and one smallĀ AsianĀ dude going and killing some pirates as hired guns. From here you kinda get the introduction of each character in an extremely brief manner and you also can guess that Stallone’s character is the leader here. By the way he is called “Barney” here.

Exactly!

From there we learn one of them from the team is a nutjob, one of them is an emotional wreck (badass emotional wreck mind you), one of them is superfast but so small you barely notice him there, one is a black dude who loves his errr…..bullet and straight razor and one who has…..strange ears.

Then we are brought to the bad guys. They are in an island with a small population, controlling some sortta business there, we do not know what business and they are just plain evil. Very fast to the point as you noticed, that’s how the movie goes.

One look and you know they are the villains....straight forward indeed!

Which then brings us to the greatest cameo ever in any action movie. Three of the biggest action stars from the older days, for the first fucking time in history, share screen time together.

Terminator, Rambo and John Mcclane walked into a bar.......

And that alone made this movie pretty epic by itself. So John Mcclane has a mission and the mission was to be bid by Rambo and Termintor a.k.a Governator in one single epic scene which ends up in the Governator giving off the mission to Rambo and both of them having a near gay argument, which was still fucking epic. Of course it was never anywhere near making out proportions of course.

Make out NOW!!!!

Then the Expendable guys end up going on a mission to kill the bad guys and rescue theĀ damselĀ in distress.

Hotter and Stronger than Bella!

Then the real action starts, insane bloodspill, explosives, awesome fight sequences (I mean you got Jason Statham and Jet Li…..it better be awesome!) and epic-ness indeed.

But let’s get a little more serious :

Honestly the storyline is cliched beyond anything. It’s a typical old school action movie where storyline matters less and action matters a lot more. So they did not waste time on the story or any details of the characters but went straight to business, which is beating the shit out of people, beheading people with anything that comes in their hands and being ultra cool whenever possible. Hey works for me! That being said, it still has way better storyline than most movies out there now.

*ehem*

The performance of all of them were fantastic, that is in the action sequences. As we know the actors here are mostly known for….not being good at acting at all. Probably the best actor in the whole movie will be Mickey Rourke followed by Terry Crews.

Pictured: NOT a thespian...but simply Ultra KOOL!!! Hope he doesn't hunt me down.....

The action in the movie is pretty mind blowing. It’s been a long time since we saw an old school action movie, but of course with some addition of CG effects like the blood and all. But I mean if it’s convenient go ahead, it doesn’t look too bad on screen either. And it did not rely on too much on CG effect anyway. And whatever CG effect at least did not give the cheap feeling to us.

Cheap CG effect - Check. Too much of CG - Check. Shitty Movie - Double Check!

The best part is the movie doesn’t treat us like morons. It just gets straight to the point, let’s you have some fun, laugh a lot and just….enjoy it. Straight forward and simple entertainment ladies and gentlemen!

And now for the review on the crew

Jacob's worst nightmare!

Sylvester Stallone : Well it’s the same guy we saw in Rambo….where we don’t understand a thing he says, but we like it when he grabs and gun and shoots people or beats people to death. He does his job well, and hell he’s directing the movie well too. And he definitely doesn’t look like a 60 year old with that body….to be honest, I am not gonna piss this guy off when I see him….he looks like he can behead me…oh wait I think he did that in the movie too.

Yes...he throws knives...BEWARE!

Jason Statham : IMHO, Jason Statham performed best in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. Everything else after that was crappy. But he redeems himself in this movie in terms of acting and his action sequences were pretty good too. Although it’s hilarious to look at him as an emotional wreck cause well…he really can’t emote well. But I got no problems when he starts springing into action.

Pictured : Little Asian guy who kicks your ass a thousand times over.

Jet Li : Jet Li performs really well here to the point he’s hilarious at some points of the movie when he points out the problems with his size (he’s obviously the smallest in the movie). I really liked his performance back then in he movie “Unleashed”/”Danny the Dog” (same movie btw), and rarely does he give out a good performance except for solid action scenes. Here he gives both, solid acting, solid action.

If this guy's not a cyborg, I don't know what is....

Dolph Lundgren : He sounds more like a Terminator than the original Governator does! And apparently this guy has a degree in Chemical Engineering in real life. So he can kick your ass while doing complex chemical mathematics in his head just for kicks! His appearance is sadly quite short in the movie and his cyborg-ish attitude kinda freaks me out if I were ever to see another largeĀ ScandinavianĀ man heading my way the next time.

The badass of the "Roberts" family!

Eric Roberts : Portrays the classic 80’s style villain. Cliched bad guy basically but he’s good, not bad at all, but not Hans Gruber level villainy of course!

No one will be as great as Hans Gruber!

I dare you to make fun of his ears to his face!

Randy Couture : Erm…..bad ass guy with personality problems and has an issue with his ears, but trust me….don’t make fun of his ears….you should see the moves he pulled off in the movie…..

If you don't know this guy, you are not a guy at all

Steve Austin : It’s better watching him acting here than doing shitty WWE scripts. Besides like, Stallone mentions in the movie, he got his ass whooped by Stone Cold here. That counts as something right? šŸ˜‰

Beneath that clean shave look, there's a bad bad guy there!

Gary Daniels : The last time I saw him was in Tekken, and he was easily the best actor there. Sadly his appearance here is short but ok…although he got his ass kicked by small asian dude….and Statham.

I think he's pretty damn cool!

Terry Crews : He’s easily the best actor in this movie besides Mickey Rourke. I’ve seen him in some movies and at times he’s really able to convey some emotions and manages to tickle my funny bones at times. Not bad for a big burly guy who’s not as stiff as the other big burly men there. At the very last part, Stallone asks him to hurl a live war head, hinting at his NFL talents I presume! šŸ˜›

Mickey Rourke...sans the shitty Russian accent.

Mickey Rourke : What can I say? He’s awesome. Despite his short appearance, he easily outperformed everyone else in the movie. At least he redeemed himself from that shitty Iron Man 2 movie.

Another Shitty Comic Movie.

If every girl in that Island was like this, I would've enlisted in Stallone's team too.

Gisselle Itie : I think she’s pretty good. And hell she’s hot! Nuff said!

There are other cast too like Charisma Carpenter who was there only for a couple of minutes as Statham’s girlfriend, David Zayas as idiotic island leader and so on.

Overall not a bad movie. Go watch it for the fun of it. Go watch it to live back the nostalgia of old school action movies. Go watch it for awesome violence, action and cliched stuff that makes you laugh and enjoy it to the fullest. It beats a lot of shitty movies out there, and it doesn’t treat us like some morons, it just shows us the necessary and let’s us have the option to enjoy it or not.

This treated us like retards

Most importantly it does not treat us to the sissy faggot movie syndrome.

Exhibit A : The Answer to "Why so many faggots these days?"

So go enjoy it, as a man, as it’s built for men by men. If you are disturbed by violence, disgusted by blood, and only like Twilight….then go cut off your dick!

And get yourself a nice dress while you're at it!

So till then,

Fuck Off

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