For once in my life I appreciate Uwe Boll a.k.a Shitty Tekken Movie Review

First off I know a lot of dipshits do not know who Uwe Boll is, and well it’s not your fault, dude ain’t exactly famous or big at all, at least in the world outside. But truth is, he is a pretty big name when it comes to screwing up Video Game Movies to the point if you always keep asking “how does this guy get funding after a string of disasters anyway?”…..well it’s a million dollar question that still remain unanswered.

Maybe cause he's such a looker!

But anyway let’s leave poor Uwe out and talk about what I really wanted to talk about today. Tekken, the movie…based on the hit Video Games series. Now I am quite a large fan of Tekken, having played every single part of them and I am a self confessed Hwoarang fan too.

So last night I went to watch this newly released Tekken movie after failing to get any proper reviews about it despite it being released in Japan much earlier as I heard. Of course I should take this as an omen that the Japanese probably found it so bad they decided not to review it or just decided to be evil and let us suffer this movie as well as much as they did.

Or they probably missed out the movie completely with such awesome cosplays

Now back to Tekken. I am not sure where exactly to begin but let’s just begin and the beginning of the movie. It’s bad, period. It shows some post-apocalyptic style future with a horrible voiceover by a girl who sounds like she was trying to hold her crap in her long enough to finish the prologue before rushing to the nearest toilet or flower pot available. Then we are shown Jin Kazama running away from….I am not sure what….as nothing’s made clear here anyway, so he’s just running like a lunatic.

On your left : Girly Boy - On your right : The REAL(erm kinda real) Jin Kazama!

The real problem with this guy isn’t the part where he looks like he got lost from some Asian boyband audition or something, it’s his fluctuating accent. I swear to you I heard his accent change like probably 56 times in the movie. He actually made Russell Crowe’s accent problem in that garbage Robin Hood movie look less retarded.

He covered all accents in this movie except for Asian accents....maybe in the sequel I hope.

So Jin then meets his mum, Jun and they have a good moment and a bad moment together within a split second cause the objective here is to know that he had a mum, that’s all. Then mum dies, Jin gets angry and vows to kill Heihachi Mischima cause he saw some shitty poster of him hidden in his house which he has never noticed all these years living there….what an unadventurous kid. So he enrolls in Tekken by beating Marshall Law which was probably the shittiest portrayal of a video game character by any living being in the fucking planet. Even my cat would’ve portrayed Marshall Law a lot more accurately for cryin out loud!!!

Even a visually impaired person could identify the only similarity between these two here...no prize for guessing.....

So Marshall Law is only there for a disgraceful 5 minutes and then we are brought back to the story of Jin whose accent keeps changing as often as Steve Jobs regarding you as a moron who can’t use his “made for retard” products.

Pictured : A "tortured" genius

Now we are introduced to Steve Fox. Everybody who has played this game knows that Steve Fox is an awesome british boxer who is actually the test tube baby of Nina Williams (Oh!!!! We’ll get to Nina soon enough…patience). Here, the only thing that identifies Steve Fox, is the british accent…only!

Steve Fox everybody!....and Luke Goss NOT being Steve Fox.

I have no idea what’s the problem here. Luke Goss was able to have nice silky hair when he played “Legolas’ worst nightmare” from Hellboy II but he can’t have at least a decent amount of hair here to at least portray Steve Fox properly. Worst of all he plays more of a Don King here rather than being Steve Fox himself.

I fucking bet Akira Toriyama ripped off the Saiyan look from Don King...I fucking Swear it!

Then are introduced to the Tekken tournament, the “fighters” there, and the father and son assholes, Heihachi and Kazuya.

Hilarious depiction of Heihachi with what I swear is a gay Kazuya!

And here’s the list of “fighters”…..

Sad to say the most accurate depiction of Eddie Gordo only lasted a glorious 5 minutes before he got beaten to pulp by a Wesley Snipes wannabe

This is also a sad realization that the Westley Snipes wannabe is actually an accurate depiction of the Wesley Snipes wannabe Raven from the game.

Seriously....that's Miguel? Are you fucking with me???

Dragonov, you probably won't notice him in the movie cause his appeared is SO FUCKING SHORT!

Oh you so gotta hear about this.....keep reading

Despite looking almost like the Pedo next door, this is quite an accurate Bryan Fury

I love Nina from Tekken, and while this is close enough, what pisses me off is that Nina is pictured more of a whore than an assassin here.

Marian Zapico (so cool name) was ok as Anna, but you can only manage to see like 4 minutes of Anna sadly...

To be honest, they could've made the movie with just Yoshimitsu, he never spoke a line, was perfect and there's no fucking chance he could've ruined movie unlike Jin the "identity crisis" boy.

I could not get any picture of the Jacks in Tekken but let’s just say, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!

The Jacks in the movie look like a bunch of sissies in armor compared to this :

Oops...wrong Jack...but on second thoughts...he would've been way better!

What pisses me off is that they left out Hwoarang , Lei Wu Long, Ling Xiao Yu and King/Armor King but come to think of it, they actually saved the prides of those characters, but there’s no guarantee as the the movie hints cheaply at a sequel anyway.

Nina and Anna Williams are both pictured as whores who would be giving 24/7 blowjobs to gay Kazuya and then go and try to kill people Kazuya orders to…and also fail at it badly….seriously???? And from what I noticed only Nina Williams spoke any lines there, Anna was there……I wasn’t exactly sure what she was doing anyway, she did not even fight in the tournament! But you know what, it’s probably some guy’s fantasy right? Whore Assasins….heck that makes a good movie title….and I bet it’s better than Ninja Assasin!

Yeap Whore Assasins would trump Ninja Assasin like a gazillion times over!

Speaking of which I was also worried that if they decide to cast Hwoarang in the next movie (if one ever came to be), they had to find an “athletic built” looking Korean dude to portray him…..guess who?

Korean guy, "built", starred in an action movie...hmm I wonder who????

And our dear Christie Monteiro doesn’t even do capoeira at all here but totally excels in dirty dancing….like WTF?!?!?! Here’s the worst part, the girl portraying her….has the facial expressions akin to Megan Fox….which is not a good thing IMHO….she looks excited when there’s trouble, she still looks excited when there’s good news…I mean…Who’s side are you on woman?!?!?! Why do you look excited all the fucking time??? Is someone fingering you from below are did you go to Megan Fox Acting Academy???

Honestly nobody would've noticed the fucking difference!

Let’s get to the other aspects of the movie.

The sound effects were normal, below par if you asked me. I’ve seen Sesame Street episodes with a lot more awesome sound effects than this movie.

No Shit!

The film quality is almost as bad that it makes grainy porno videos look almost too professional.

I said GRAINY not GRANNY!!!!

Now even if you were not familiar with the game itself, the movie still looks horrible in all senses. Ridiculous storyline, bad acting, bad quality to the point it made me appreciate Uwe Boll for once in my life. And this probably answers why Prince of Persia is still the best video game movie out there, despite being sucky by itself, it’s still way better than any of these trash coming out.

Chesty Jake's pretty happy about it too

But it’s no surprise considering the director of this movie was last seen making a shitty sequel to an already shitty Anaconda movie. Hence , it’s totally not surprising itself anyway.

Anaconda!!!!

But here’s my advice, go watch it, go suffer through it, laugh your guts out cause I did just that cause you finally realise Uwe Boll ain’t bad at all once you see this. And Milla Jovovich can breath a sigh of relief too that the whole Resident Evil series can never suck anywhere near the Tekken crap movie.

awww look at Milla, all happy and that!

So till then

Fuck Off

P.S Just go watch it, it will be fun 🙂

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