Shitty Movie Review : Eclipse

I got this cool habit, I love to watch movies.

I will not call myself a movie buff or anything like that, but I believe I got a fairly good taste in movies for that matter.

But of course I also have this bad habit in me, I love to watch shitty movies at times, and then proceed to bitch about them….couple of reasons being :

1) I criticize something after knowing about it, in this case probably watching at least half of the movie before slamming it

2) I enjoy calling others morons….this is a great chance for me šŸ™‚

Now on with the review….my own personal review about a shitty movie called Eclipse, from the Twilight Saga, the third part (I think) after New Moon…

All he needed was some laser shit eyes, blasting straight to her face, and this movie will be Epic!

Now I think many are familiar with this movie, some would say it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, and the other smaller population of intelligent people…well….they just avoid the movie altogether.

As the movie starts, we seem to notice cheap attempts to make the movie edgy in the form of a guy being brutally slashed in the palm by some unseen force…yes slashed in the palm and he screams like his world was ending….but you know what, I just let it pass, it is a movie full of sissies after all, and the guy’s screams were more manlier than whatever that came after that though….

From there we are treated to the usual torture of Bella and Edward talking the same shit they have been talking about for the past 2 movies, only this time with the occasional but a bit too often proposals from Edward…seriously, it’s so many times I actually thought Bella was a deaf character or a mentally retarded character who can’t understand a thing Edward says and Sweet Little Edward patiently just keeps repeating for her….unfortunately my cheap attempts at being optimistic about the movie did not work out.

We are then brought to the next complication in the “Saga”….Jacob. For those who don’t know Jacob is a dude who transforms into what is supposed to be a werewolf….honestly I thought those were just overgrown Chow Chows until my close friend told me they were werewolves….and then it made sense to me, I mean why would Chow Chows have a war with Vampires right?

So we are brought to the complication where Bella is somehow “attracted” to Jacob as well, we know this cause Jacob apparently knows it as well…it’s a dog thing…I mean wolf thing. And of course situations escalate as Edward gets jealous off and on cause Bella goes off hanging out with Jacob in front of Edward….I mean if I had a girlfriend who knew there’s a guy in love with her and still hangs out with him, I am just gonna dump the bitch and find myself a Taylor Momson lookalike (Taylor Momson herself would be great too….) and be happy about it….Besides if I was a vampire, I would just kill Bella, reanimate her, make her my slave and taunt that jackass Jacob with that….I mean I am a vampire, I can do those shit right??? right??? Or do I just sparkle in the sun and not be able to do any Bram Stoker-ish stuff??? Who the Fuck knows?!?!?! And while all this shit happens, Bella also throws in some not so subtle “Fuck me Please” actions to Edward who freaks the shit out, claiming it is dangerous and they should be married first. I just think he can’t erect as technically he’s dead so there’s no blood flow and thus how is his weener gonna erect without proper bloodflow anyway?

Oh yes back to the story, so shit has gone deep and some redheaded vampire called Victoria is still pissed off at Bella/Edward and she wants Bella’s head….like literally! So that’s part of the story and the Cullen family gets involved in trying to save Bella and so does the Chow Chow pack…I mean werewolf pack joining in the “Save Bella from RedHeaded confusion between a cat and a vampire thingy”….but seriously I think Alice Cullen is totally hot. Also an intentional pun was included during an exchange between Jacob and Edward when Jacob says he is “hotter” than Edward….I am speechless in this case.

So everybody goes down smacking each other, battle is fought somebody wins, somebody loses, someone dies and Bella and Edward are gonna live happily ever after…NOT! Yeah there’s still another part in the “Saga”…and as I heard, the next part of the “Saga” will be split into two…so that they can make more money from the morons who were clapping their hands in the cinema like they saw the greatest shit since Michael Jackson’s Moonwalk on Live Stage.

Anyways here’s the shitty part of the movie :

1) The whole cast sucked balls from theĀ beginningĀ to the end. I am not saying the whole frigging cast can’t act but the problem was while they may have some talents there, the story is too focused on the three main wooden actors who make Keanu Reeves look like an uber artsy thespian. Thus we barely noticed the damn cast at the background at all!

2) Waste of Talents. Dakota Fanning was in the movie…and I actually thought it was someone else that looks like Dakota Fanning but with lesser talent….NOPE…It was god damn Dakota Fanning. What was she doing? She floated around, looked almost like T-100 from Terminator, tilted her head a bit and someone screams in agony….yeap…they could’ve casted my cat for that role….but well they had the budget for Dakota Fanning anyway. Next talent wasted, Anna Kendrick, if you watched Up In The Air, you’ll understand why. Anna Kendrick is probably the most liveliest person in the movie, and possibly the whole “Saga”…but she’s wasted cause she only appears for like 5 minutes to give us some hope of a good movie, then disappears along with my diminishing hopes for a quality movie. Bryce Dallas Howard is wasted too…she’s hot and talented but nothing of that appeared here sadly. Ashley Green is wasted here too…I think she’s the hottest living thing Ā in the entire god damn “Saga” and they should focus on Alice Cullen’s face more than “I smoked too much pot” Bella.

3) The story is completely ridiculous. Now before anyone jumping to defense that this is a “Fantasy” movie or whatsoever shit you morons can come up with….keep in mind…I am actually comparing this with another series from the same “Fantasy” genre….Pokemon! Yes….I think this “Saga” is a lot more ridiculous than Pokemon itself….all you Pokemon fans better start loving me for this. Sparkling Vampires, Overgrown Chow Chows, Girl who just wants to get laid….nuff said. The vampires Ā have red colored eyes which people in the story do not seem to notice…probably everyone in the universe are mentally retarded anyway…so I’ll never know

4) Special effects…The special effects are shit. They are shit cause most of the time we are made to focus on the three main retards of the story. The werewolves looked like chow chows at most, not the scary things we grew up to fucking fear. The backgrounds look totally fake and the battles were shitty…again…Pokemon looks a lot more real!

The Good (surprising)

1) Music. I have to admit this series seem to have some cool tunes in their soundtracks.

2) Alice Cullen. She’s Hot!

3) Greatest comedy movie for 2010. While a number of movies has tickled my funny bones this year, nothing will ever make me laugh as hysterically as Twilight can ever do. With this I proudly will give an “Angry Nerd” Award to Twilight for the greatest comedy movie of 2010. Take note that “New Moon” was the funniest movie of 2009 for me too.

And this concludes my review for Eclipse.

I am not saying you should not watch this, but if you have extra cash to burn and/or looking for an extremely funny movie, you should give it a go. But if you don’t find it funny after watching it, it’s not my fault you lack some sense of humor…you are just too stupid that’s all…and probably a fan of the “Saga”….

Till Then,

Fuck Off!

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